Today I am wondering if I'll ever really get past where I am. I mean, I know I can serve and help people a little bit. But sometimes life just seems like a really long period of waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for my internship in July. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting to get out of debt. Not that life isn't moving. Heck I'm busy, I'm always busy. There's always way too much to do. You finish one thing but there's always a million more things. And I always feel guilty because I haven't really succeeded at anything. I do art, photography, music, writing, all in a "sure you could do something with this" sort of way, but really end up being pretty bad. And life continues to pile in on itself.
And I'm trying to be happy with where I am, with where I am in my spiritual walk and in church and all these things, but I can't help but always feel like I'm waiting for something to change. Sometimes I think I'm just waiting for heaven (which a lot of people would accuse as the ultimate cop out.) And hey, maybe so. Maybe life will never get any clearer or simpler. Well in the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young,
"Rejoice, Rejoice,
We have no choice
but to carry on."
(Woodstock recording, "Deja Vu.")(Favorite rock song ever?)
Waiting
12 June 2006 | Posted by Pilgrim at 5:54 PM
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2 comments:
yes, at one point, after graduating, i came to the conclusion that i had been waiting for something that wasn't there...that instead i needed to just trudge on through life...working in windowless offices until i would finally come to the end and get released from the total boredom.
i don't feel that way now. but, as i just told sara as a comment on her blog, i am convicted that even as we sit around waiting for who knows what...we sure as heck better not be sitting around being bums. God isn't lazy and doesn't expect us to be. so if life is boring, it's somewhat our own fault for not feeding that bored hunger and thirst with more of God...and why not be adventurous (you especially are good at this) and step outside ourselves and try some new spiritual challenge...like inviting some high school kids to go hiking or offering to watch the kids for that very worn-out couple, or taking an entire day to pray like we've never prayed before, or inviting the lonely guy at the coffee shop to church, or pretending to be an apostle and writing a letter to the church (hmmm)...well anyway...you get the idea.)
i watched Pirates of Penzance last night....i always laugh so hard i cry when i watch Kevin Klein knock his head on the beam that says "Watch Your Head".......
Waiting for change...that's someting I still do (in my young and optimistic stage of college ;)
Feeling guilty for not "succeeding" or being quite the leader we expect ourselves to be...sounds like us trying to be sunshine for everyone else.
Sometimes we have to acknowledge our shadows. And that's the best we can do.
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