Dog Days

Go

2010-02-09T22:26:00.002-05:00

This week I am beginning to work through some life and death problems from "Get Strong at Life And Death" by Richard Bozulich. I played a game on Monday and although I was tired I feel that the life and death is where I lose points and territory. But heck it's a lot of other stuff too.

I'm listening to Joanna Newsom's "Ys" album, which is still as exquisite and beautiful as ever. Micah gave me some new music to listen to as well, which is great cuz I need some fresh music. Out.

Hard to get

2009-06-04T19:33:00.001-04:00

Here are some lyrics by Rich Mullins which are special to me. "Hard to Get."

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

Ninety nine

2009-06-03T16:32:00.002-04:00

"He left the ninety nine...."

We really are a bunch of ragamuffins except for grace. One of my biggest problems is that I'm so quick to forget what I have, and that god's way is the right way. Aren't we just like sheep to go wandering from the pasture thinking we have a better sense of what's good for us than the shepherd?

New evidence for global warming!!!

2009-01-17T21:57:00.002-05:00

Statement as of 05:27 PM EST on January 17, 2009

... Record low temperature set at Williamsport PA...

A record low temperature of -13 degrees was set at Williamsport PA
today. This breaks the old record of -12 set in 1982.

Hahahahahahaa...... riiiiiight......

a primary human fault

2008-11-19T18:33:00.002-05:00

I am becoming convinced that one of a human's primary faults is our susceptibility to distraction. How many good intentions and worthy goals have been set aside because we are too easily distracted from them?

Dangerously Doubling Bubbles of Gum

2008-09-06T19:06:00.003-04:00

What happens if you chew two pieces of double bubble at the same time?

QUADRUPLE BUBBLE!

But wait, what if I chewed ANOTHER piece of double bubble bubble gum. Would I get a septuple? Actually, no. I would get an OCTUPLE! And I'm not even going to talk about a fourth piece of gum because that would be completely INSANE!

lost and found: one netflix customer

2008-09-05T19:00:00.002-04:00

There are two things I really really hate. Okay probably more but only two that have to do with what I'm about to write. One thing I hate is when I buy a piece of software or download something or buy a printer or a camera or any piece of technology and the stupid piece of junk doesn't work! I mean, holy crap! Hewlett Packard, you sell five million printers and you can't get your stinking drivers updated? Yeah, that kinda thing really gets under my skin.

The other thing that gets under my skin? Crappy customer service. I mean every time I call Sallie Mae I spend fifteen minutes pressing buttons trying to navigate menus while my stupid hands-free thingy pops out of my ear every thirty seconds. Finally I speak to a human being and I get some stranger from pluto saying "Haalloooo dis be jar jar binks how can I heeelp you wid yo loan financial moneyyyy serbice accounty?" Yeah, so it gets under my skin.

So last night I was pretty bored, and on a whim decided I'd try Netflix. Cuz you know they say "Try one month free!" and expect that I'll stay keep using it after stealing a month of free service (and, being a born sucker, they're often right). So I get all stoked thinking I'm going to watch some streaming movie on my computer in like five minutes. So let me ask you a question. Do you think it worked? Do you think I logged on and pressed the lousy "play now" button on the lousy japanese anime movie and the lousy thing worked? It didn't work. Holy cow, I hate that.

I tried to fix it. Sure I did. Cuz I love movies, and I want what I want when I want it right now. Tried reinstalling stuff and searching forum boards about netflix error messages and all that nonsense. Did I get mad? Oh yeah. Lousy Netflix, they really pulled my chain. I was gonna write a consumer letter the likes of which Netflix had never seen. I was going to put such inflammatory verbiage on that letter that their greedy little eyeballs would melt out of their sockets.

That's what I was going to do. Instead I noticed the toll free help line. And it was a 24/7 help line. I didn't feel much better. Cuz really, who wants to talk to Jar Jar Binks at night or any other time, even if he wants to help? So I dial the number. And it asks me to type in the netflix customer service number on my screen. So I dial the six numbers. Ring ring "Hi this is scott how can I help you?" His name was Scott, and he spoke English. Not English. AMERICAN.

And he did everything a good customer service person should do. He made me feel like I mattered. And darn it, I DO matter! He knew what was wrong, explained it, walked me through, stayed on the phone while my computer rebooted for four minutes, and made sure it worked.

Now, I don't expect good customer service very often. I expect technology problems on a regular basis. I expect bad customer service most of the time. I thought Netflix would work quickly, and was upset that it didn't but the cynical voice inside me felt somewhat triumphant. But a positive customer service experience flipped the situation upside down, or inside out, or rightside left or something. It didn't restore my faith in humanity, since I never had any to begin with, but it turned me into a satisfied customer. Oh, and I got to watch "Space Battleship Yamato" which is a fantastic anime classic which had a huge influence on Star Wars and all the other epic space opera movies. And I just finished watching Dirty Harry. And I might even watch Season One of Heroes or The Office or something. Netflix: good stuff.

August news update.

2008-08-28T20:39:00.003-04:00

FYI between moving and adjusting to a new job I've been pretty stinking busy but I am still going to try and keep this blog regular once things settle down a tiny bit. So for starters here's a news update.

As of this afternoon, I am completely finished with my mentorship at work. The program I counsel in is a six month program for kids in the juvenile corrections system. I'm pretty exhausted from picking up some overtime right now. My job involves working on the floor with kids, which means supervising and redirecting and when necessary processing poor behavior. When supervising I'll roam the halls, help transport, run bathroom breaks, shower breaks, etc. The kids might be kids but they aren't exactly trust-worthy, so they're never ever unattended. My counseling job involves working with a client (kids), his family, and his county. That includes weekly individual counseling sessions, family conferences every two weeks, talking with probation officers, going to court with the kid, and a truly remarkable quantity of paperwork. Fortunately I only have one client on my case load but that will change very quickly to seven or so. I get up at 5 AM to go to work four days of the week, and then have one PM shift on Sunday. I've worked two double-shifts this week. It's surprising how quickly sixteen hours will fly by. I did that on Monday and yesterday, both immediately followed by AM shifts; I'm going to try to avoid doing that more than once a week, but overtime is a great opportunity right now. That's a basic summary of work.

The apartment has been pretty nice. My roommate and I don't see each other that much because we have opposite working hours, but we get along well when we do and are both clean. Hmmm not much else to update right now, or at least not off the top of my very sleepy head. Powers out.

July News Update

2008-07-30T13:49:00.002-04:00

Since I don't have time to write anything worthwhile I will just give a quick and general news update. (It's sort of a compromise.)

First of all, I'm starting a new job this coming Monday which I'm stoked about. I will be working for a youth and family services center which runs programs to help restore first time juvenile offenders. It will be challenging, but will probably be fulfilling as well. I've had one friend ask me if it is going to be too much, and here's what I told her: this is my ticket to a different place. Starting this job is like stepping onto a plane that promises to fly me to new and better opportunities. I may or may not like it enough to stick with it for years, but one thing is for sure I am going to stay on that plane until I know I can safely land, because if I step out before the plane lands all I'm going to get is a nasty fall.

Second, I'm moving to a new apartment in Shippensburg on Friday. I will have one roommate, Jason; he is a great guy and I think we will get along fine. The apartment is brand new and very beautiful, the city is beautiful, and I think I'm really going to enjoy living there. Eventually I'm going to go crazy with room design and be my very own design star. I'll start small of course; getting a bed trumps any decorational impulses.

And here's a few random things taking up my time and thought. I've been playing the ancient and wonderful game of go at least every day with the free program igowin. I am not quite ready to play an experienced human (my college professors), but at some point will have to swallow my pride and enjoy the learning experience of getting my butt handed to me. I found a fantastic turn-based strategy game for my phone, "Mobile Battles: Reign of Swords"; it's a great way to pass time when I'm stuck somewhere and don't have any light reading to pass a few minutes. It even offers an online component to battle other players. Much too fun for a phone. For reading, I put aside anything periferal for awhile and am starting to work through Plato's Republic. I am also starting an intensive study of Philippians. In very very tiny bites.

And here is one more thing I am really excited about: my philosophy professor has announced a new online graduate program which is unlike anything ever offered by that place. It will be a Great Books program focusing on sustained reading and discussion of books representing the major western worldviews throughout history. For example, the first course pairs study of Homer's Iliad representing poetic polytheism with Plato's Republic representing philosophic monotheism. I don't know if I'll be able to take one of these classes this fall (though I'd love to if time permits), but it looks like I may be able to start pursuing a Master's after all. And heck, even if it was for no degree at all, they are still going to be incredible courses. Knowing how great the teaching will be, I would probably sign up anyway. The great books courses would take 15 of 30 credits required for a Masters of Science in Biblical Ministries. Oh and my favorite seminary professor is in charge of the MSBM program so whatever else I would need to take would be excellent.

So on the whole, life is getting exciting. Finances are still pretty scary, and the Escort has "issues", but I think things will hold together. Maybe I'll give a monthly news update or something. Ciao.

Review: Getting Things Done

2008-07-26T17:59:00.000-04:00

I have not had much success applying strategies from productivity gurus. I am referring to books like "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Steven Covey, and other books which share use top-down strategies to order our lives. There are two reasons why these have not worked for me. The first is technical: day-to-day life happens on the level of "stuff". The myriad of small tasks of varying importance and in multiple contexts hampers the effectiveness of top-down approaches. The second reason is a personal one. The entire mindset of these books is very unappealing to me. Books which simplify and systemize our entire lives, such as Covey's books, seem to suck the imagination and life right out of living. Peter Pan would barf and toss these books to his crocodile buddy.

Incredibly, one productivity book has managed to overcome my objections: David Allen's "Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity" has succeeded where other books failed. "Getting Things Done" (from now on I'll refer to it as GTD) has made quite a splash since its release in 2001. It's influence is already pervasive and some of the most useful blogs on the internet swear by it. I probably see it randomly mentioned every week. So for anyone who doesn't know much about it, I'd like to summarize the book and at the same time show how beneficial Allen's method has been for me.

First of all, GTD is not a top-down approach. Allen explains that "...most people are so embroiled in commitments on a day-to-day level that their ability to focus successfully on the larger horizon is seriously impaired. Consequently, a bottom-up approach is usually more effective." Allen is dead on. I already do plenty of big-picture thinking, and it really hasn't helped me deal with the nitty-gritty details of whatever messy projects and tasks are on my plate. Allen admits that a lot of times what is needed are a few tricks. GTD has equipped me to better deal with my responsibilities, and in some cases gave me some trick that helped make all the difference.

The second problem I've had with productivity books is more complex. I believe it is important to maintain a little bit of a child-like disposition in life. My impressions of the professional world are that it creates uniformity and kills creativity. It's very easy to figure out where my attitudes come from: I grew up watching Mary Poppins and Peter Pan, and Peter Pan was the first "big book" that I owned and read. I think I got that book out of my grandpa's library after his funeral. Both of these stories portray growing up as a very dangerous thing to do, and I've never stopped worrying that I will become old, dry, boring, and bored. But whether I like it or not, life happens, and responsibilities accumulate. And here is how "Getting Things Done" succeeds where others fail: without wasting time suggesting a cookie-cutter pattern for my life, it aids in conquering mundane tasks and responisibilities so that my energy can return to the activities that excite me. As I've implemented Allen's method, I've found myself able to mentally relax and in general am feeling a lot more creative again. That's pretty much fantastic!

Here is a quick summary of the GTD method. Allen describes a five-stage workflow: collecting anything that commands our attention, processing, organizing the results, reviewing the options, and taking action. Going through these steps for the first time is a huge project; Allen suggests taking several days to do this. It took me quite awhile to get all the papers and "open-loops" collected or written down, and several hours of work to organize them. Fortunately, Allen does plenty of hand-holding through this. If someone as absent minded and flighty as myself can do it, anyone can. Allen also includes chapters on developing and tracking projects (really excellent stuff) and deciding what to do next at any given moment. As a manual, it is very well written. It gives brief overviews of everything before going into greater detail. By the time you are implementing it, you already have a decent grasp of the material.

Allen sold me in the early chapters, so I dived in with both feet. It took awhile, but the results are wonderful. I have no loose unorganized papers anywhere. Before I did GTD, my mind felt like it was completely in knots. It's felt that way for years. Now that I don't carry the anxiety of lots of unidentified mental baggage and millions of unsorted papers, my mind feels relaxed and focused. GTD also helps me keep a clear picture of any tasks in front of me, and it's much easier to decide what to do next. Tackling a "next action" list feels a bit like a game. I hope to get one down to zero someday. I am more productive and am feeling more energetic. The method is also somewhat flexible: everyone's implementation will vary a bit. I use a clipboard with next-action divded by context, big wallets to hold file folders in place of a file cabinet, basic office supplies, a paper calendar, and four trays for "inbox", "next action / outbox", "data entry" (for business cards and such), and "waiting for". Very low tech, which is how I like it.

Only time will tell what effect all this will have on me. Increased responsibilities will be the real test of GTD's effectiveness. Although GTD will hold special appeal to workaholics and productivity worshippers, it is potentially beneficial to anyone who struggles to keep track of all the little tasks we need to get done. Check it out!

Book Recommendation: The Shack

2008-07-16T16:22:00.004-04:00

Last night I finished reading William Young's "The Shack". For anyone who doesn't know, "The Shack" is a fictional account of a man's encounter with God. Here is the description off the back of the book:

Mackenzie Allen Philips' youngest daughter, Missy, has been abducted during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. Four years later in the midst of his Great Sadness, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend.

Against his better judgment he arrives as the shack on a wintry afternoon and walk back into his darkest nightmare. What he finds there will change Mack's world forever.

I could talk about the plot more, but I don't want to spoil anything. I want you to read it for yourself. But before I give my official reading recommendation (which I am going to do), I need to make two things clear.

First of all, this book could and should ruffle some theological feathers. Theologically, I don't agree with everything in this book. Some things in it bother me. I will probably follow this up with Timothy Keller's “The Reason for God” as well as finishing a John Piper book so that I don't veer off into any emergent confusion. (And I may follow that book up with “A New Kind of Christian” just to keep myself on my toes.) There is a good deal of controversy and some fairly heated debates surrounding this book. Of course that's almost a given with any popular Christian book. If you are not able to overlook this sort of thing, take my recommendation with a grain of salt.

Second, this book has changed me. It has hit on some pretty deep stuff for me. That does not mean it will change you. And it does not mean you will like the book. But, having given those disclaimers, on the off chance that this book could have the sort of effect on you it had on me:

Read this book!

I did not read this book in one sitting. It actually took me about a month, which is pretty slow going for a book clocking in at 246 pages. But the good part about that is that it's easy to pick up, put down, and pick back up awhile later and not feel lost. Parts of this book made me cry, parts somewhat bored me, and parts of it floored me. On the whole, whatever its faults, I can't ignore it. If you don't want to read it, they'll probably make a movie eventually (and some people are already working on that).

And now I'm going to switch gears very slightly and deal with one other thing. I picked this book up at Wal-Mart based on Eugene Peterson's incredible recommendation on the cover: “This book has the potential to do for our generation what John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress did for his. It's that good!”

For anyone who respects Peterson's work, that's hard to ignore. So after reading it I have to ask myself if what Peterson said is likely or possible. Now, historically speaking, I know Pilgrim's Progress is huge. I'm not an expert at all, but I remember reading in an editor's introduction something about it being in nearly every Christian household right next to the Bible during its early printings, or something bizarre like that. As far as what effects it had, I don't know how to measure that, but I would guess: really huge.

Could “The Shack” potentially have an effect like that? I don't think so. First of all, it's not as great as Pilgrim's Progress. It just isn't. It's good but not that good. Second, I am sure that it can produce some change in some people. Maybe a lot of people. But the world is very different. And we're in a time when there is some pretty serious theological unrest which is not going to disappear anytime soon. This book has riled plenty of feathers. But who knows? And maybe the movie will be a big deal too. You just never know. The reason for this little tangent is that I don't want this book over hyped, but if you decide to read it, be open and you might find yourself changed when it's over.

Follow Up

2008-07-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

I was not disappointed. The memorial service, and the weekend, were a bit overwhelming.

Quick Post Before Colins Memorial

2008-06-28T07:17:00.002-04:00

And I'm writing a second quick thingy which deserves its own post. Today I'm going to Colin Smiths memorial service, and I feel like it's going to be important to me. It's really easy to lose focus in life (oh and by lose it I mean "what the heck is focus"). I know that Colin's death is painful for his family, but it's not a tragedy. And this is easier for me to say because I'm not as close to him as some students were, but still, I think he would not want us to grieve like people who don't believe that this life is only the first chapter in the bigger picture.

So knowing all this, I am going to go out on a limb and say that this memorial isn't just something I'm gonna go to and say "it's sad that he's gone." It's going to be an event where I, and a lot of other people, are going to be thinking, "Here is what he lived for and how it affected his life and hundreds of other lives," and we're going to walk away and ask if we're doing what we should be doing with our minds and our energy. And the job stuff and everything else ties into this, so I'm just going to go into this with an open mind, and who knows but that I may be a little changed when it's done.

FedEx: The First Week, and Toilet-Seat-Booms

2008-06-28T06:59:00.003-04:00

Well, I've had five straight days unloading trailers at FedEx, and I gotta say, I'm pretty sore right now. Every day there is some kinda minor bruise. Today, unfortunately, I bruised the end of my right index finger (so there goes a couple days of classical guitar lessons). I get tomorrow and Monday to recuperate. Honestly I can't imagine holding a full time job together with this.

The worst thing about this job: rolling out of bed at 2:30 AM.

The best thing about this job: going back to bed at 7 AM and sleeping for five more hours.

It's remotely possible I could actually go to bed around 6:30 PM and just stay up after work, but that would be so out of sync with the human race and my nocturnal proclivities that I don't it's feasible. The only reason my wierd 3-hours plus 5-hours schedule works is because I'm able to keep some consistency in my sleeping habits.

It's been noted to me by my manager that I'll have more opportunities at FedEx in short order - better positions, greater hours (not that it's terribly difficult to beat ten hours a week). And the nice thing about FedEx is it's nationwide. If I needed to move, I'm sure I could land some sort of position at another FedEx. (I don't think I'm going to be in PA for forever.) But I need full time work, and I need it pretty darn quick here. If a full-time position is offered to me by another company (and that may happen in the next week or two), I'd have a hard time refusing, even if I had to say goodbye to FedEx (which would be too bad).

In other news, Taylor Camerer is starting the rumor that I don't actually close toilet seats. He claims I disattach the toilet seat, stand on the sink, and drop it from several feet up. This is quite false. I am able to create plenty of momentum with the toilet seat still attached to produce a sufficient toilet-seat-boom.

Holy Crap I'm Tired

2008-06-23T17:41:00.003-04:00

Just one of those days I guess. At least I got most of the important stuff done, but now I've got to start going through the pain of finding a place to live. Which means finding a roommate. And a church, I don't have that. And friends. Oh and I still need full time work on top of this FedEx bajunkum. At least I have an excuse to go to bed early today. Blahhhh.

Oddly enough, work is about the only thing that really gives me a ton of satisfaction these days. There is something very invigorating about throwing boxes around at 3:30 AM. Too bad it barely pays the gas for me to get there.

On my single positive note, so much downtime has helped me get about as organized as I've ever been in my life. Okay, MORE organized than I've ever been, and it's still a work in process. Yay for me.

And on one more negative note: Wal-Mart doesn't have any baseballs OR baseball bats. WTF mate?

Colin Smiths Next Chapter

2008-06-23T09:56:00.004-04:00

Dr. Colin Smith died yesterday - it's totally unexpected to everyone. For Colin Smith, and maybe for someone else who will be leaving this world soon:

"And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they
all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover
and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." (the final words of CS Lewis' "The Last Battle")

Now I hope someone compiles a lot of Colin's recorded messages and lectures for us.

For awhile I thought Colin might be someone I would interact with once I reached a stage where I could do graduate studies, particularly if I pursued Semitic language studies at all. That won't happen now, but today feels like a wake up call for my life. I'm moving in the right direction, but I'm going to have to move a lot more if I'm going to redeem some of my short time on earth. Maybe I am going to be teaching Hebrew for a group of interested individuals soon...

Approaching Undistraction

2008-06-17T21:04:00.003-04:00

"As I weed out distractions I begin to miss them. They kept me from feeling so unsatisfied with my existence."

The "big clean" is coming along. My life is already more organized than it has ever been, and it really didn't take more than a little helpful instruction from David Allen's "Getting Things Done." My computer has no random folders or documents sitting around. My paperwork is approaching something akin to organization. My email inbox is empty. I got through an entire list of things to accomplish.

And I feel two things as I come closer to something I will call "undistraction." The first thing I am feeling is a returned ability to focus. Meaning, maybe I can finally finish those papers, and get my diploma. It is all beginning to seem possible. In a sense I was right all along - I have had too much mental baggage to ever focus on any really challenging projects.

The second thing I am feeling is a bit more immediate. It is a somewhat unsatisfied feeling. Some of my life's difficulties are beginning to disappear, and yet I feel bored and unsatisfied all the same. Things are a bit cleaner, which is nice, but down at the bottom not a whole lot changes. It's like a room that was filled with random junk and seemed sorta wild like maybe there was something exciting happening, and then the junk gets cleaned out and you realize it's just a silly old room like any other room.

Well I am exhausted (at 9:22 PM!) thanks to my new 3 AM fedex job so I'm going to sleep.

Rev Camerer : God in the Grammar

2008-06-09T17:00:00.002-04:00

Rev Camerer gave a great sermon this week and I think this is as good a place to record what I've learned as any. This is all from memory - he held my attention so I didn't manage to take any notes. He actually managed to hold the entire audiences' attention while explaining a few daunting grammatical terms like "relative and objective genitive." The passage is Romans 4:13-25, and the question in the sermon is basically, what is it about faith that saves? Is it the faith? How deep the faith is?

And here is how the question was answered. Two men stand by a frozen lake. The ice may be able to support them. One is very confident the ice will support him. The other is very doubtful; he imagines he is likely to fall through. They both step out onto the ice. And here is the point:

Does it matter whether they think the ice will support them?

No it doesn't matter. The amount of their belief isn't really that important. The important thing is the object of that faith: the ice. The ice will support them whether their faith is monumental or miniscule. Or conversely, if the ice is thin, the sincerity of a man's faith in that ice will not prevent him from falling through. It is not the greatness of our faith that saves, but the object of our faith: Christ. We don't need to be faith-giants. We only need enough to step onto the ice.

And he made a very strong point that the sincerity of faith of other religious groups won't be a huge factor in the end; the object of faith is still what is going to count in the end.

Well I thought it was pretty good; the ice illustration has been indelibly printed into my brain, so hopefully it will be useful for someone else as well, later.

Seasons

2008-05-31T11:46:00.002-04:00

We're just a few hours from a new month. And I suppose summer will be officially starting soon. It pretty much feels like summer now here in Greencastle. I see a lot of sun, and we get a lot of warm days. Everything is green. And I love this.

One thing makes me a bit sad: it won't last. Fall will come. And I don't mind fall. I like it more than I used to. But after fall comes winter. And I really hate winter. It's possible that I could learn to enjoy it. Someday I will have to make a decision. Do I hate cool climates more than I enjoy the season changes?

If one day I moved someplace warmer, I might be pretty happy. But I might really miss the seasons. I suspect that I would. Who knows, maybe all I need to get through winter is to feel some uv rays on my skin - I could just go fry in a tanning bed every week. Maybe once I had that, I would feel fine! I don't know. I know that winter is when I have the most depression and when I'm most likely to up and move somewhere. November is bad, as is February.

But if I did move south, things might feel kind of dull without seasons. If I was close to a beach, maybe I wouldn't care. But maybe this is one of those "fantasy is better than reality" kind of thoughts. I'll have to think more on this later.

Reality TV

2008-05-19T11:34:00.002-04:00

Has anyone else ever watched reality TV in which the participants act as if there is no camera? That is SO ANNOYING! How are these people COMPLETELY IGNORING THE CAMERA! In many of the television shows, we suspend the reality of the camera-man, and that is okay - we expect to and accept it. That should not be the case on reality tv. The more hints I get that the whole thing is scripted, the less interesting I find it.

I've seen something funny on both Hulk Hogan's show (the Hulk Life or something) and the Bachelor. On both of those shows, I've seen characters do something and then say "We need to keep this a secret from mom and dad" or Hulk "I'd better keep this a secret from my wife." HELLO, YOU'RE ON TV!?! .... I mean... COME ON! How am I supposed to respond to that? "Scripted!" Boooooo. If you act as if the camera doesn't change anything, we know it is completely fake, because a camera would add a lot of tension in any emotional situation. I would like to see a show that actually embraces that tension a little bit.

Reality TV has been around for a long time. It's called "Game Shows." Survivor? It's a game show. The Bachelor? It's a game show. America's Top Model? Game show. Instead of "guess the word in time" it's about accomplishing a task, making fireworks with some random bachelor, doing an incredible photoshoot. It's a more interesting game show but it's still a game show.

A few shows try to pull of total reality tv, like the hulk hogan show. Those are still far from interesting because they aren't even slightly believable. I have no reason to believe what I'm seeing is really showing me anything true about these people. That's not compelling. Maybe people can't be candid outside of simple things like game shows and sixty second candid camera blips, but if you can't be a little more daring I'm not even going to bother watching.

Due

2008-05-17T11:23:00.002-04:00

Tax return: $955
Amount Due this month (college loans, car insurance): $948
Phew!

Now I just need $80 for my phone bill. (Counts remaining 20s...)

Fortunately I will be in Greencastle in a week and hopefully will quickly land a job or two, maybe even something I like!

Juno is about....

2008-05-14T20:46:00.003-04:00

(Before you start reading, you have to play the video at the bottom of this post so you are in the right mood. It's not a video, just the song, so scroll down and go "click!".) So I just saw a movie called "Juno" which everyone seems to love. For the uninitiated it's about a 16 year old high school girl who gets pregnant and the year which follows. The movie is mostly made of scenes with Juno talking to friends, talking to potential adopters, talking to parents, and sometimes Juno narrating her thoughts. So it makes for a very straightforward, intimate little movie. We get a decent feel for some of the strange moments a girl like Juno might actually go through.

The whole movie feels sorta indie or at least anti-blockbuster-ish. It's got tons of great little folky songs which are catchy and sunshiney and fun to play on my uke or guitar (bonus!). The whole thing feels like it could have played out in my hometown or somewhere like it. I like it, and need to think about it a tiny bit more, but for now I'm feelin like, "Hey, good stuff!" And hopefully you enjoyed this little ditty by Barry Louis Polisar: "All I Want Is you." I'm going to go play it on my uke, bye.

Fast Car - excellent, watch it

2008-05-13T20:51:00.001-04:00

A catchy dave matthews ditty

2008-05-12T23:06:00.002-04:00

I <3 Pinback

2008-05-11T23:32:00.002-04:00

Cleaning my room

2008-02-02T19:21:00.000-05:00

I've been cleaning for awhile, things are coming along. I can't make up for a few months of not cleaning in a couple hours but it's more livable for sure. Even if paperwork drives me crazy, at least I can get my clothes organized and neat and get a clean floor. My bird still is in desperate need of a cage cleaning but it's not going to happen tonight. I'm going to the grocery store to buy some food cuz I'm starving, and thence to relax for a bit. My room is a bit dark at night and it doesn't motivate me to do any more heavy duty cleaning.

I'm going to return my guitar looper, but first will write out the guitar parts - I have no way to permanently record the music. Lesson learned; if I get a looper again, I'll buy one that can output the loops into my computer or onto SD card or something. Speaking of SD cards, I haven't seen my digital camera in a couple months now. There's a slim chance it is with my friends Pete and Emily but I doubt it. I still think it will turn up, I just can't believe that I would lose it.

Stinking guitars...

2008-01-31T19:52:00.000-05:00

Music seems very fruitless right now. The way electric guitar works, there are always a million toys you need to get the right sounds and stuff. But it's pretty dumb because I am playing by myself and that is very unmotivating. I am going to set the electric aside and focus on acoustic songs for awhile (the acoustic has some TERRIBLE fret problems which make bad buzzes or even make certain notes impossible, but I'll live with it). I might return the looper, that's two hundred dollars which I need (or someone needs it if I don't).

Music is pretty frustrating because for the most part the music I am listening to is infinitely more beautiful than anything I could play on a guitar. Music from the Black Stallion soundtrack or Joann Newsom's harp playing or Last of the Mohicans or anything on the violin are infinitely greater than most anything on guitar. Piano or harp or even violin all transcend it in their tones: the violin has infinite sustain because of the bow; pianos and harps have incredibly large soundboards. Plucked guitars cannot compete.

But there are a few really beautiful bits I can think of, like one track on Black Stallion which uses guitar (although it wouldn't sound the same on my guitar even if I tried to play it). Off the top of my head I can only think of two that are really "wow that's beautiful" pieces. Joanna Newsom produces more gorgeous stuff on her harp than Phil Keaggy can on his guitar, maybe simply because it's a harp. (Harps are expensive, I just looked). There is still some good stuff from rock / punk bands - Sunny Day Real Estate, Bloc Party, Death Cab for Cutie, even some normal rock like Foo Fighters ("My Hero"). The stuff I want to imitate right now is the acoustic stuff from Derek Webb, John Fahey, and Iron and Wine.

I lost all interest in blues (bleh) or any other instrument centric music right now. That means I'm not crazy enough to be a good composer or instrumentalist, but in all honesty I don't care. I'll probably never fully appreciate Coltrane or insane composers or what sets apart the tone of all the blues guitarists, but that's okay. I think that's fairly sane of me. Music is nice, especially the really pretty stuff, but I don't need to worship it (although I probably have in the past). This attitude keeps my life simpler, more balanced. Sometimes it's fun to make music, and it's also nice to have things quiet now and then. Making music by myself is almost never fun, which is why at some point I hope I can start a band with like minded individuals.

Restless

2008-01-31T19:16:00.000-05:00

Now is the winter of our discontent... (period.)

As far as work and life in general go, I feel stagnant. I'm getting restless. I don't think it's just winter; it's a lack of any immediate significance in my existence. I bought a looper pedal for my guitar, and since buying it it's moved me forward musically. But I want to return it, if only because guitar and music seem either pointless or distracting, and really if I'm not playing with a band it's pretty pointless. I'd rather just keep things simple. (Will write a second post on that directly following this one.)

Anyway I hope I'm growing, maybe it's one of those times when I'm just a seed getting water. Jesus is going to come back and be like "Ummm what the heck are you doing anyway" and I'm going to say "Look I'm like, a plant, ya know? I'm a late bloomer so maybe you could give me a few years so I can be watered and grow my roots and stuff." *Jesus gives incredulous stare* Seriously, there are things I'm still dealing with; and I want to shove it all away because it's difficult. I don't have a choice though.

I was just listening to the Derek Webb song "The Church." It is really beautiful and deep and loving and I think I'd better learn it.

It's been a bad month money wise. And discipline wise.

The News or Voyeurism America, and Gibsons pornographic movie about Christ's death

2007-12-08T13:48:00.000-05:00

Glancing through the rash of continuing headlines on the Omaha shooting, a couple thoughts flit between my ears. First, the top headlines are ones that focus on descriptions of the violence or experience. Then we get to the inside story on the suicide note, a little info on the "why" of all this I guess. Second, the reason these are headlines are because people want to read them.

We are gossips and voyeurs, and are particularly thirsty for violence. I was even struck by that while watching "Pirates of the Caribbean (part 3)" last night. (As far as imagination goes, the movie had some great moments.) We have a thirst to gossip about, and see, violence. We are not a lot different from Romans at the Coliseum. The news is as much entertainment as anything else coming out of Hollywood. The greedy media moguls are happy to provide what we want: and what we want is to vicariously experience the violence and evil going on in the world.

It has a lot in common with pornography.

By the way, does anyone else out there think the success of "Passion of the Christ" has probably done little except feed our thirst for violence? "But it is about the cross!" you say?

It's in the Bible, why do you want to SEE a depiction of the Messiah being tortured? Is it going to increase your faith? DID it increase people's faith? Really? 370 million box office dollars later (#1 2004), do you see a church with greater faith? Do you see greater faith in the movie's makers? (Gibson's movie after Passion: Apocalypto. Read that link and tell me this man's aim is to make anyone more Christlike.) Maybe someone reading this will decide I am not crazy and that we should start applying our concepts of purity not only to sexual content, but also to depictions of violence and evil.

Some Iraqi Blogs

2007-12-01T18:24:00.000-05:00

Here is a link to a BBC compilation of Iraqi blogs. Useful reading. And just for the record (the following descriptions are from the BBC website):

last-of-iraqis.blogspot.com
Mohammed is a 25 year-old dentist in Baghdad. In the first of two extracts, his experiences seem to support the latest figures suggesting a recent fall in the number of violent deaths in Iraq.

livesstrong.blogspot.com
Sunshine is a 15-year-old girl in Mosul, northern Iraq. Violence dominates every moment, even recent Eid celebrations.

astarfrommosul.blogspot.com
"Aunt Najma" is also in Mosul. She is a 19-year-old high-flying engineering student. Her latest posting is not typical of her normally chirpy style.

riverbendblog.blogspot.com
Riverbend is perhaps the best-known Iraqi blogger. She and her family left Iraq over the summer for Syria. In her latest blog, she describes coming to terms with her refugee status.

These blogs aren't "journalism" - just perspectives. A little perspective never hurt.

Why I'm okay with democracy

2007-12-01T18:04:00.000-05:00

(^^^click on the title^^^) ... the alternatives are so much worse.

part 2 how work ties in

2007-11-25T13:52:00.000-05:00

in four months or so i should be able to move to sales with the republic company. a month ago i questioned whether i could manage for that long. the good news is that i have discovered that i can. the best activity for passing time is playing with watercolor. i cant say i'm passionate about sales, but its an opportunity i will take. and i'll do my best.

because

the significantly better salary means i could perhaps get into a better living situation!

in the meantime this isn't too bad; if my roomie and i can find a bunkbed at goodwill or salvation army sometime soon, we'll have quite a bit more space to work with.

part 1 crossing lines

2007-11-25T13:35:00.000-05:00

so this morning i was playing my favorite band, "mewithoutyou", on my stereo. Probably it was a little loud because i just installed new speakers; ie i'm not sure how loud it sounds from other parts of the house.

what would you didn't know what the music was but didn't like it and you could hear it?

the seminary student who is subletting to me (who in general is a good guy but in everything pertaining to the apartment has been an a-hole) laid out his musical requirements early on. no playing of metallica, led zeppelin, etc, in the house. ie anything he might construe as evil. course i bend over backwards cuz these guys are lunatics who put me on permanent probation in their minds. if they had any sort of disagreements with me, ie they didn't like the kind of music i play on my guitar, they would tell me to stop; if i didn't, they would have no problem kicking me out.

so this morning the previously mentioned individual walks in and tells me to cut that music. its "passionate" but especially heavy. it's not metal. the guy tells me he doesn't like it so i can't play it.

ah now we get at what the nuthead's christianity is really all about: people have to look and think like me. they are thinking, if i dont like a certain kind of music, it must not be good music. they wouldn't ever think that out loud, cuz it is so obviously stupid, but they think it. (btw their standards are usually generously hypocritical.)

i decided they had crossed a line, made a fuss about the band being one of the most god-glorifying bands that i knew of, the song ("torches together" about god making us into the body of christ, incredibly beautiful) being beautiful and rich, and finally told him that just because he didn't like music did not mean i was not going to play it. he didn't like it, but short of being threatened out of the house i wasn't going to budge. you have to put your foot down somewhere. that somewhere is mewithoutyou heh. he compromised to me having it vewy quiet. i probably can still turn my stereo up with rich mullins or classical without anyone complaining, which is a relief.

Great new dream

2007-11-21T13:43:00.000-05:00

I had this great new dream about being at a Jimi Hendrix concert at Baptist Bible College. It was a really great dream. I think the thing about Hendrix isn't just that he was a great guitarist - we just all kinda like him. He doesn't seem like the kind of dude who would pick up my guitar and start critiquing the heck out of it, he would probably just play it and have fun. Whereas I would never want Eric Clapton to hold my guitar, cuz he would touch it and then say "ewww the action is wrong I dont like these cheap pickups can someone please get me a different guitar." I've only ever acted that way with those unplayable wal-mart electric guitars. Ewwwwww.

The tough thing is all that you hear with most guitarists is a bunch of overdubbing. Of course it sounds good when they overdub and add extra tracks. Just hearing a good guitarist sitting down playing his guitar, you dont hear that. Luckily I got this super rare download of Hendrix on acoustic, it's really fun. Maybe 10 songs on acoustic guitar, it's still hendrix for sure.

Apricot Face Remover

2007-11-19T23:44:00.000-05:00

I tried "invigorating apricot scrub." For all skin types. Except mine I guess. "May irritate skin," they say. Can I have my face back, I reply.

In other news, the health industry is promoting a new program for permanent weight loss. The secret? Hungry sharks. Test subjects have called the results "immediate and startling." Critics warn, "may hamper mobility."

Hey, the shark diet and apricot scrubbers might get along!

Led Zeppelin catalogue, musical growth

2007-11-18T22:06:00.000-05:00

today at share.com (which is actually http://u2n2.com/Default.asp?) I stumbled upon the entire Led Zeppelin catalogue. I have all their official albums as a band except for Coda, which isn't supposed to be that great anyway; I'm only missing the BBC sessions and "How the West was Won", the live album. I'm not that big of a Led Zeppelin fan, but I am a huge fan of really old-time blues like Robert Johnson and Blind Willie Johnson. Led Zep became the archetype of good rock and roll (for good reason), but they got all their inspiration from old blues recordings which I like to listen to as well. Same for White Stripes by the way. Anyway, a lot of the music is great stuff for what it is; so far a couple favorites are Moby Dick from Led Zep II (I own that record!), and the Battle of Evermore. I haven't got it into my head to learn any Led Zep songs on guitar, because it really isn't my style, but it's pretty good. I have a pretty extensive classic rock catalogue, I'd like to find more of the really good old stuff, which probably means i'll have to buy it over time.

Other than that I'm digging into a lot of fusion and jazz guitarists and bands, Allan Holdsworth especially.

Groceries

2007-11-18T02:45:00.000-05:00

Shopped at HyVee for groceries tonight.

-$72.73 groceries
(8 tv dinners, 1 5 pc hot pocket, 12 snickerdoodle cookies ($4), ice cream sandwiches, 16
yogurts, 12 coke+12 cream soda $6, bananas + apples ($6), 4 cereal, 5 soup cans)

Regret the cookies. Hyvee doesn't know how to make snickerdoodles.

Working balance until November 26 / payday (ie what I have to spend after $677.77 in bills): -1.01. Anyone have four quarters and a penny? hahaha. Actually I'm not in the red because I'll wait to pay the big college loan until I get my paycheck. Overall, I'm feeling optimistic. Maybe this time next month, I'll have an extra dollar to wave around! No more wasting money on snickerdoodles.

my existence in three relatively short paragraphs

2007-11-05T20:55:00.000-05:00

i'm working as usual. for some reason things are a bit slow at the company - i'm not generating many transfers. for the most part i have steered clear of trouble (it always looms of course). i live in three worlds: the faith baptist bible college bubble (and the churches and relatives connected with that bubble), the world of work, in which i have one or two peeps i would call friend, and the friends i've collected in cafes. the third group has banded together into a ragtag motley crew which has nothing in common except we all need friends and we all need jesus. the first group of people, the super-conservatives - these are folks who i sometimes love and respect, and other times wish i could just say goodbye to. there are some really good things happening, but a lot of stuff that really bothers me (its exclusivity among other things - it really is a self-contained little world with its own rules and regulations for those who live in it). i follow some of those rules because i live with faith seminary students who i respect. the best kind of respect brings about generous and considerate lifestyles, which i think is happening in my house. i'm learning not to judge so much; i'll never see things the way the faithers / baptists do but some of them are good men / women.

meantime i really live for those times when i'm with my ankeny crew: abbi, bri, jess, sarah, tommy, and whatever other ragtags happen to wander along.

i sorta left my church out. not intentionally, church simply isn't a good place for building relationships. it is a good place for thinking and learning though.

and beth is probably wondering why i didn't come to her thingy tonight - laundry and food is why.

trust

2007-11-05T19:20:00.000-05:00

eden. a perfect world in which nothing is breakable. including relationships.

what did those relationships lack, something which can be broken?

trust.

god introduced the possibility of destructive potentials (the tree) so that people could trust him. he made a special relationship, a relationship of trust, possible.

on a side note, it really is a gigantic deal when someone breaks your trust. and the fact that there are laws in place that assume men are untrustworthy is a good example of the state of things.

sin

2007-11-04T19:08:00.000-05:00

sin is this heavy nasty word which is means bad or evil or all kinds of stuff we want it to mean. i don't think we should get rid of the word or anything, but it should be a little more concrete what it means when i think that word. so here's what i think sin is.

a sin is an act of destruction on man's part. not so much burning a house, but an act which destroys relationship, trust, another person, or ourselves. some actions destroy our relationship with god. some acts destroy the sanctity of a word (using god's name as a cuss word) - words are part of reality too. sin is not a force so much as it is a potential for destruction inherent in man's nature. (this is just brushing the surface of all of this really.) i would rather talk about a sin, as an an action, than sin, as if it were just some nasty evil force floating around seeping out of our toilets and into red light districts.

strange thing: if the possibility of the potential for destruction had not been made available, there would have been no potential for trust.

A tornado...

2007-10-30T20:32:00.000-04:00

...has recently passed through room. unable to decipher if there is still a floor beneath the rubble.

ps. this is an attempt at humor. those who are literal minded may experience confusion if they notice my house is structurally intact and has no sign of wind damage.

another week

2007-10-28T23:37:00.000-04:00

has come and gone. notables this week: going through a haunted house; watching "ju-on" a very creepy japanese movie (clean but it really gets under your skin); getting my car cleaned out tonight; consolidating my clothing into bags now lying in the middle of the floor of my room (i have nowhere else to put them, literally); i also had a conversation with a catholic priest on the phone, which was interesting. that's all i can remember from the week.

i haven't been able to find my treasured book xenophon's "aeconomicus", but even if i did i probably would read it for 30 seconds and then grow bored. bipolar crap seems to be cycling every two weeks - about every two weeks i get into a fairly extreme down.

great cheese my room is so bloody crowded. i only have a sofa, a little table, 2'x2', and a dresser. and 3 milk crates. but its a place. i hate it when i dont have enough space to keep clean, cuz it reflects poorly on me and i lack the creativity and funds to do anything to make this place nice. the room always feels like its teetering on the verge of chaos, i keep it together but just barely.

okay bedtime for me, then i get up and go to work and go to small group and go to bed and go to work and do groceries and laundry and go to bed and go to work and go to youth group and go to bed and go to work and then its thursday, which is not so bad.

God, why telemarketing?

2007-10-22T22:20:00.001-04:00

God's Answer

"1. Don't ask me, you're the one who applied."

"2. It's good for you. Should help you develop a thick skin; that's been in short supply in your clan."

Oh.

Why pastors don't listen

2007-10-06T12:48:00.000-04:00

They are too busy thinking up answers.

I find greater benefit talking to the average friend.

Medicare Dreams

2007-10-06T12:46:00.000-04:00

All night every night, if I wake up, I wake up from dreams asking people questios about their medicare coverage. Or explaining the government's standardizations in 1992. If you were in my dreams, probably we were having a conversation about your retirement health plan. This may mean I'm going a bit loopy.

PS on green walls

2007-10-03T21:20:00.000-04:00

I now like my ninja-turtle green walls. It's not as nice as the green room I grew up in but it does ring up a little bit of that happy green feeling. It took awhile to grow on me.

Horcruxes

2007-10-03T21:05:00.000-04:00

A few months back I was playing world of warcraft. (Right now its good I don't have it, it would be a fun escape.) In the game, I had a hunter dwarf with a pet boar named "piggy." And then last night I had this dream that a wizard like gandalf and dumbledore was a sellout and thought maybe by joining the evil wizard (kind of a sauron-voldemort) he could get real political (since he thought himself too weak to actually beat him) and help save a few people. All the same it was a wimpy decision. And in this dream the evil volde-sauron dude could kick some serious butt, he was basically killing like fifty people at a time with a sweep of his hand. But gandalfuldore did one nice thing, he gave me this pill that would let me make a horcrux with anything I wanted, which is strange cuz its a bad idea to do horcruxes generally. But in the dream I had a pet boar which, just like in world of warcraft, first attacked me but I subdued and tamed it and it was very loyal. So I made a horcrux out of the boar and in the dream, as long as one of us was alive, the other could not die (so a little better than a horcrux really, more like "dragonheart"). We attacked sauron-mort but still got our butts kicked it was sad.

So it's sort of like my new telemarketing job. To keep my sanity I split my personality in two, and when I hear the beep part of me wakes up and enters into the happy-smile world of telemarketing, and then as soon as the call ends it withdraws and a different me resumes existence and draws pictures or taps out drum rhythms or just pretends I was taking a nap. 30-60 seconds later phonejosh wakes up and I go to sleep. By the end of the day I only have about five minutes of memory from the whole day, I might have spent five minutes on the phone except that I feel poopy from fluorescent lights.

Crock pots

2007-09-26T17:54:00.000-04:00

The kitchen is in chaos for awhile, so I am getting ready to dive into the wonderful world of crock pots. I'm excited. Hungry to learn about cooking with crockpots, yessirreee. Beef stew, chili, chicken stew, potato stew, chili stew, I'm really excited.

Is my brother married?

2007-09-20T18:45:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure!

My what bright walls you have

2007-09-16T21:23:00.001-04:00

I am finally going to be moving into a place this week! I cannot wait to get a desk, get my music and books set up, and have a central place to study and work on projects. I have a lot of projects I'm eager to dive into. I feel like a little kid, it's so exciting to have a place to put my stuff. Living out of my backpack and a duffel bag has gotten so stale.

The only downside so far is I haven't met my future roommate, nobody I'm going to be living with knows I'm a musician (oops), and they painted my bedroom walls bright neon green. I mean, if we all painted walls this color, we wouldn't need lamps in our houses cuz the walls pretty much glow. So I will have a room and a real bed and a home for my musical and computeral equipment, but might lose my sanity, or go blind or something.

I was kidnapped I swear! Also blockbusting.

2007-09-16T21:08:00.000-04:00

Its true, the reason I dont blog is because I get abducted or kidnapped. Every time I escape I update my blog. I actually spend the majority of time in captivity, either of pirates or space aliens or vitreolic librarians.

Oh crap I have writers block. Gahhh, it weighs a ton! If only I were a blockbuster like Mario, I would simply smash it with my tail powerup. Ive often wished the world were filled with smashable blocks. Mario has a great life. He gets to smash blocks. Someone recently smashed my windshield. It probably would be therapeutic if it didnt carry the emotional baggage vandalism probably carries. Anyway I thought smashing blocks would be therapeutic, but this block is going nowhere. Save us Mario!

Christian Fellowship

2007-07-13T20:53:00.000-04:00

Went to a meeting of young Christians at Prairie Ridge Church last night. We ate Subway, chit-chatted, and watched Nooma video #11: "Rhythm". The conversation was stimulating, I met some awesome brothers and sisters (Ben, Eric, Missy, Valerie, Sam), and Ben is a fellow fan of mewithoutYou (whoo!). But there is a problem: It seems too easy.

It is too easy for me to meet and like people. It's easy to have really stimulating conversations, Christ-centered conversations. But I question whether people are seeing the real me, or I'm seeing the real them. They haven't heard me get made and drop an F-Bomb; they don't know the bad things I've said and done. I'm not really eager to go publishing it either.

We enter into the room knowing we are under grace, understanding we have all failed; the purpose isn't to judge or critique but to enjoy being with each other and experience fellowship.

I'm not sure that fellowship really happens there. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe I'm being impatient. I've seen fellowship; it can happen on difficult camping trips or tough circumstances shared with comrades. In my case it has usually been shared with friends as friends, Christian friends; I would like to have it shared with Christians as brothers and sisters. People who say, "We aren't just here because we are lonely and single and need to have a safe environment [though that isn't a bad thing to admit] - we are brothers and sisters attempting to live the gospel."

This post seems entirely too judgmental on my friends, or perhaps ungrateful. I do struggle with ungratefulness and judgmentalism, but if there is a useful question hidden in this post maybe you can overlook any bothersome tones.

NEWS: I'm going to Arkansas next week with my Uncle Jim to help disassemble machines. It's for work, but maybe I'll have some fun times too. Leaving Sunday after the weekly congregational service. Everyone say a prayer of thank you for my friend and shepherd Josh from Real Life Church who has deeply encouraged me.

Sometimes...

2007-07-13T20:52:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like feeling broken.

Some recommended movies.

2007-07-13T20:44:00.000-04:00

First of all, Ordinary People. It is a serious movie. But we spend enough time and money on mindless entertainment, using our minds and hearts now and then can't be so horrible. The Usual Suspects is a perfectly told mystery type movie. Lawrence of Arabia is the greatest epic film ever, even above Ben Hur; only watch it if you have a fantastic television and sound system or you haven't really seen it. Mothman Prophecies is very spooky and brilliant - it's not horror, just spooky. Blade Runner is a brilliant Ridley Scott sci-fi (Scott made the Alien movies) and is perfect - brings in questions about our existence and what it means to be human. The Director's Cut adds 30 seconds which totally change the movie, watch it a year after you've seen the normal version. (Normal Version first). Also, a cartoon I love: The Iron Giant. It looks like it's a kids movie. It's really not. I pretty much cried when I watched it.

Any fantastically good movies out there?

Neural Laxative

2007-07-10T19:39:00.000-04:00

Garbage garbage garbage CRAAAPPPPPP garbage. Sister Susy sells sea shells why the smell does she bloody fell the wasted grellkin's helter skel. Taller tell bingbongbell Flinga Flanga Farmer Dell the Eastwinds Westward wrickwracked Well was washing wishy fellwind smells that told so well the things I tell.

Today I've been studying wiring diagrams and 3 phase electricity and things that I haven't looked at since I was like twelve and my neurons are getting all coiled up. Cerebral rush hour at 6 on Tuesday, traffic at a complete stop. Caffeine and bad nutrition (rude drivers and unoiled engines) increase the congestion. Cerebral rest sounds best top suggestion, a flagon of logic is flogging my noggin. Soothing is poetry, maybe some Auden. Oh, and some food. Oh, and banks are giving me problems, pray that I will find a way to pay my bills please, thank you. (Enough money for once and no way to send it, Dear Florida I miss Amscot.)

Transformers Review

2007-07-08T14:41:00.001-04:00

High-budget, low-vision film which knows its audience. (Yes America, I am insulting you.) Not unpleasant, but I don't see any reason why I would be compelled to see it again. Unlike a GOOD blockbuster like Spiderman 3, it lacks any deeper insights. It talks about sacrifice but in fact nobody has to make a sacrifice. Everyone gets what they want in the end.

Especially disappointing in its lack of imagination. Go watch the feature length cartoon - it has a robot that chews up planets. Extra star cuz it has some funny moments, and good effects. Two out of Five stars.

Worthless habit

2007-07-08T14:36:00.000-04:00

I have this worthless habit of checking videogame news. I've been doing it for like a decade - I look at what new games are coming out. Today I had to glance at the new Metroid game, and Fallout 3. I never even played Fallout 1 or 2. Games I will probably be read news and reviews on: Super Mario Galaxy, Bioshock, Crysis, Team Fortress 2, Starcraft 2, maybe others. At least the habit doesn't take more than 10 or 15 minutes these days (once every week or so), but it's so silly. I don't even play video games anymore. I did have a world of warcraft stint a month ago.. A close shave. Today they seem uninteresting but maybe in a week or so...

Where I am, What I'm Doing

2007-07-08T14:05:00.000-04:00

Right now I am in Taraccino's coffee using their wireless internet and drinking water. (I haven't had their coffee, and don't recommend their very bitter cappucinos.) My mom is letting me use her laptop for a couple months.

My employment situation is stable - I am working for my uncles, trying to be frugal, zero out my credit card, get organized in paying bills and college loans. The job involves lots of cleaning and sanding, getting very hot, sweaty, and dirty (and this week sunburned), and doing some careful painting (which I enjoy).

Housing has been a little weird - I've slept in several places and houses this week. Right now my coworker and spiritual brother John MacDonald is letting me set up my air mattress in his house. It's a great place. A more permanent housing situation may open up with a brother from Real Life church named James. Either way, I'm very happy and have been getting pretty good rest - enough to do the things that need doing.

Spiritually I am in a place where I am learning how to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. "Faith" can be very abstract, and an excuse for foolish action; so I am praying for humility, wisdom, purity, integrity, and an awareness of my incredible capacity for self-deception. Others are praying as well. The greatest thing is to just reach out for Christ; I don't know what else to do. And when others are reaching out alongside me, in their questions and in their prayers, it brings comfort and a confidence that God is taking care of His children.

My thoughts have been in a story I wrote with a couple people last night that needs to be finished, written down, and polished. It was a heck of a lot of fun; writing a story can be an adventure and a puzzle. At some point John and I may be able to make a movie at a really cool old factory a couple hours from here.

My thoughts are often distracted by questions of the future and my purpose, but at this point it is best not to worry but just to seek God out moment by moment, and spend time in study and contemplation. Right now that means studying scripture, maybe complimented by reading some poetry and doing some writing.

I need to buy some earplugs so I can think a bit more clearly in these coffee shops. Music can be really distracting, particularly if you are as good at getting distracted as I am.

A little more.

2007-07-02T21:35:00.000-04:00

I am at a public library and the computer tells me that my session will end in fifteen minutes. So this will be brief! Speaking of briefs, I really don't like them.

To the clan of Camerer skeptics: - there you go, Titanic 2!

(...okay so it's not exactly the same as an official announcement..)

My time at cornerstone was intense. The highlights were listening to Shane Claiborne of "The Irresistable Revolution" speak times or so, and talking with Mike and Aaron Weiss (lead guitar and frontman of mewithoutYou).

A Shane quote: "The real tragedy is not that people don't care about poor people, but that they don't KNOW any poor people." Topic for thought: solidarity with people who are much poorer than anyone we probably know.

An Aaron quote (to me): "I think we don't have to worry about anything, and I mean that completely literally."

10 minutes to try and find a poem by Auden to strengthen my soul a little. I have been working really hard; thank God for my breath and my fingers and every minute of life. For the ones who pray, pray for restful sleep for me, and also for my grandma who has trouble sleeping.

Shalom.

Sleepy from Cornerstone Fest

2007-07-01T18:21:00.000-04:00

I'm a little drained. Ever have one of those naps where you wake up all hot and feeling anything but rested?

On Wednesday after work I drove 4 hours to Bushnell, Illinois to Cornerstone Festival. I spent too much time the first night show-hopping so I didn't see any full sets that night. And I really intend to finish this blog but in about 30 seconds I'm going to drift into a state of unconscious something or other. To be continued...

Micah's Fault + Rumfrazzled

2007-05-26T14:35:00.000-04:00

This blog entry can be blamed on Micah L., who told me to come back to blogger. No matter how many times I run away from blogger, it always takes me back with arms wide open. .. Thank you blogger. Okay, that's taken care of, see you in two months. (

Just kidding.

News Flash 1: I'm almost addicted to World of Warcraft. Sometimes I'm not, and sometimes I am.

News Flash 2: Emily believes I am becoming a gypsy. She may be right. Tomorrow I leave Florida for Michigan, and thence to Iowa a few days after that. I'm not going to summarize my time in Florida, but I'll offer up a couple of stories.

So here is a story about loving your neighbor. [The rest of this paragraph got really stupid, so I decided to make it optional. If you'd like to read something really stupid, just highlight the rest of this]: (Actually it's about someone else loving their neighbor. Actually it's about my neighbor. Actually it's about me. Technically "Love thy neighbor" implies at least two neighbors, the loving and the loved; in this story you'll find out which one I was.) (If you haven't figured it out yet.) (Do you really think I'm going to write a story about how wonderful I am?) (That pretty much gave away the ending.)

Downstairs lives the evil neighbors. I live upstairs with the good grandmother (who speaks no English.) I've never actually talked to the evil neighbors. Even if they spoke English (which they don't), why would I want to talk to neighbors that are evil? I only know they're evil because they get mad at the good grandmother because we're upstairs and walk around and on occasion that makes noise. I won't deny that it does make noise; just how upset they get about it, I couldn't say. Point is, there's no point in wasting my breath on them. (They also supposedly tried to get me kicked out at one point. Wait a second, maybe it worked....!)

So today I'm on the sidewalk with all my possessions (save my mac) on the sidewalk in front of the apartment. Unsmiling Cuban neighbor walks past with trash bag, disposes of trash bag, returns past me. Five minutes later, I hear some foreign mutterings directed directly at me. Cuban guy (60-ish) hands me a chilly beer, I say thank you, and walk back in.

A moment before he does this, I am complaining in my mind about bad neighbors, and how the bad neighbors downstairs should learn a little about good neighbors from Jesus. Whoa is me.

So I'm trying to drink this beer, feeling just a little ashamed. Generally I hate beer (I eventually poured half of it out he wasn't around), but the point is that the second of my first interaction with him he popped out of his evil neighbor pigeonhole by being neighborly. Five minutes later, he steps out again and asks me, "?Quiere Comida?" I try to say that I have to pack "muy rapido" before it rains (point at sky and say "agua"). He isn't deterred at all but promises "Poquito". So I go inside to eat with them. (The only word to describe what I'm feeling is "rumfrazzled".

The man is Cuban, is 64, has an amazingly jolly face (I'd never noticed before), has lived in florida for 15 years, thinks Castro is bad (there's no comida in Cuba), and went diving and harpooned his own fish the other day. His wife is Dominican, has a son 24 years old, (or maybe a daughter), and cooks amazing food. An hour and a half later I'm still stuffed. (Un poquito indeed.) The table has beautiful roses, they have beautiful plants in general, the wife's stereo was playing wonderful Dominican music (with wonderful guitar) - it was just a wonderful place. Communication was a struggle; I tried to tell them I loved Florida; I think I told them that I wanted Florida. Heaven knows what they thought that meant; maybe they think I want to get into real estate. In that case, why am I driving to Florida? For all I know I've misinterpreted half of what they said.

I finished my meal, said muchas gracias many times, finished packing (it never rained), poured out what remained of the beer, and went inside to cool off.

So then, I look forward to having my assumptions about my neighbors utterly flambazzled.

In the future I may or may not write about post-modern trends in journalism, storks, everglade fires, warcraft, depression, wonder, and idiocy.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2007-03-24T19:10:00.000-04:00

Well it's time to juggle things up slightly. I owe the color scheme to this wonderful blogspot option called "shuffle colors" (=! I'm starting a new adventure in Florida, so this is sort of my way of celebrating new beginnings. (Together with tacky color schemes. I'm celebrating those as well.) Okay everybody, stay tuned because very soon I will be bringing you my new "Get Powerized!" health and exercise program! By the way, if things don't work out in Florida I have figured out a really exciting plan B, let me know what you think:

In God we trust

2007-03-23T23:57:00.000-04:00

"In God We Trust" - by Derek Webb from his Mockingbird album

In God we trust
and the government is on His shoulders
in God we trust
through democracy and tyranny alike
in God we trust
He uses both good and evil men

in God we trust
so we fight for peace and He fights for us
in God we trust
even when He fights us for someone else
in God we trust
even when He looks like the enemy

in God we trust
even though our hearts are bankrupt
in God we trust
for more than just the value of our dollar bills
in God we trust
but there’s no gold behind these notes of reserve

in God we trust
even through our great presumption
in God we trust
even though He favors no nation-state
in God we trust
even when the blessing is a curse

If I had discovered the process of pasteurization...

2007-03-21T19:23:00.000-04:00

The process of pasteurization is named after the man who discovered it, Louis Pasteur.

If I had discovered it, it would be called Powerization. Think about that next time you drink milk. "Grade A, Powerized."

If only I'd packed a kitchen sink...

2007-03-17T16:53:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates - to think, just yesterday I was condemning Derek Webb for not updating his podcast. To me:"Hey wackadoo, Luke 6:41!" And the only reason I'm updating is because it provides a distraction from a more difficult writing task (a resume). Whenever I have something difficult to accomplish, I suddenly get the energy to do all sorts of non-essential very fun creative things, like update my blog or work on my book of mojo. Handy. Alright, on to greasier subjects.

After all these months, I still lack a kitchen. Sort of. The slobs with whom I share this apartment manage to keep the kitchen greasy, filthy, and disgusting at all times. As a rule, I stay far away. I have barely enough courage to walk past the oven to access the microwave. And that's when the heaping kitchen garbage can doesn't scare me away. Reminds me of that early section of pilgrim's progress. You know, the part with the big rock overhang... never mind.

So, here are the (mostly) kitchen-free foods on which I depend: ramen noodles, hormel microwave meals (tasty and they don't require refrigeration), milk and cereal, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bananas, granola bars (for those times I miss breakfast in particular - much better energy sources than donuts), yogurt, and hot pockets. I still have to use the fridge a bit, but the fridge is actually not too bad. When I get an apartment in Tampa, hopefully within a couple weeks, I have but one major requirement: A KITCHEN! It will be a challenge to learn good cooking habits, but it will be fun too. Any low-cost kitchen-free food ideas to get me through the next couple weeks, let me know.

iowa or bust

2006-12-14T22:34:00.000-05:00

It's 10:30 PM. The car is full and my room is empty. The boxes are closeted, books are shelved, duffel bags crammed together. Tomorrow I'm going to get in my car, slam the gas pedal down, back out of my driveway at 45 freakin' miles per hour, and blaze like a white hot lightning bolt down 80, watching the ever widening cone of disintegrated car windows blow outward from my car's sonic boom. I'll tear past chicago, stopping at the oasis highway restaurant beyond the city's western suburbs, face my guitar amplifier east, and play my signature megapower chord - the chord of apocalypse, created by inverting the chord of life and adding a flat fifth above it, and when that electricity gets picked up through the guitar and blasted out the amp at ten thousand million percent amplification, people are going to pay attention. [Ya wanna know why? Cuz it's a friggin' tube amplifier, that's why. If you don't know what that means, your have the innate value of a slug.] And that chord is going to blast like a tidal wave of sonic destruction over the windbag city of chicago. It's going to be the sound of ten thousand million unhappy orangutangs that got steroids injected into their vocal cords, screaming after being cut off in the insane chicago traffic for the umpteenth time today. Do you think the engineers in chicago built buildings to withstand that sort of sonic onslaught? Two words: total annihilation. People who tolerate four hours of meaningless bumper to bumper traffic everyday so that they can meander through their braindead jobs don't design buildings that can survive powerchords.

I do not tolerate four hours of bumper to bumper traffic. I do not tolerate four minutes of bumper to bumper traffic. I simply do not tolerate bumper to bumper traffic. And other drivers know that. When people feel my chi energy flowing from my car's front bumper, the vast reservoirs of potential energy created by my infinite impatience and illimatable wrath, they sorta get out of the way. So as Chicago disintegrates behind me, I'll be back in the car, accelerating into greater and greater speeds until time slows down, because I want to eat dinner at grandma's house, and it's a 12 hour drive to Des Moines.

And when I get there, I'm going to get a good nights rest, drink some tea, listen to a little jack johnson on my iPod, and eventually I might read some russian literature. It sounds very peaceful doesn't it? Don't relax; I keep the tubes on my amplifier warm at all times.

Okay well it's my bedtime, fortunately my words will continue to stream around the globe through cyberspace, so I can continue my worldshaking from the confines of my lovesac.

whatever you do, don't stop

2006-11-17T15:28:00.000-05:00

I'm invincible!!!!

Actually I'm not. However, I am 23, and I don't feel my mortality with any great conviction. Rumor has it that flash floods are bloody dangerous. So I'm a little surprised at how cheerily I drove through one recently.

Whoops, you need context: It rained a lot in N.E.Pennsylvania and New York last night. The highway closed, the water in the area is contaminated, and last night there were flash floods everywhere. This presented me with some scary decisions while trying to get to Clarks Summit to get to BBC and pay my astronomical library fines.

Apparently, flash flooding doesn't always look scary or dangerous. In my case, I knew the water was deep, I knew it was bad, but it didn't click that the radio warnings might really apply to me. Ford Escorts are probably designed to drive through flash floods, right? But everyone was thinking the same thing, even the people driving junkers. It was either make it through a little water, or wait an hour or two to get wherever we're going. Stopping seemed scarier somehow. That's life: the water's rising, but keep on moving because stopping is way scarier. So think with me: if you were at a fork in the road, right leading through deep water and to your destination, and left providing a possible alternate route if you were willing to stop and wait, would you go left, or would you have watched the cars in front of you somehow make it through the water and decide you could make it too? [Subaru drivers: no it's not rhetorical.]

While I drove through, I was thinking, "If something bad happens, I'll feel really stupid." But since I was fine, I guess I'm just cool.

music, hope, sanity, gratitude

2006-11-15T20:04:00.000-05:00

The music thing. Bloody, bloody music. If it weren't for McGrew, Beethoven, and Taylor Camerer, I'd have gone stark raving mad. (Indirectly I also owe Steve Shumaker big time.)

Hope is a funny thing. The word hope brings pictures of light bursting through clouds and stuff like that. We like hope. But hope in the wrong thing is a prescription for despair. I've had unrealistic, distracting ambitions for all kinds of things. Usually it just takes me further away from reality than a sane mind belongs. It happened with music. It didn't make me a better musician. Only when I figured out the reality of my relationship with music and my place (so far) has all the distraction and anxiety lifted. I could tell you the story, but it's long, and I have a headache. And this room is hot. I'm starting to sweat..

Sorry. [Yeah, speaking of distractions...] The world does not foster healthy ambitions. The hopes planted in me by my culture have to do with recognition, fame, ego, "proving" myself. To have a healthy stance in pursuing my gifts, like musicianship, I had to go through some real emotional confusion. A new understanding entered my mind as I was reading the score for Beethoven's Sixth [rather, trying to follow along with the music playing]; I realized that recognition and respect are less important than just loving the music. With my ego out of the way, I can clearly see what the music thing all amounts to. For a few years, I won't do anything "cool" - I'll just be laying the founation, enjoying the growth. It will take awhile to be able to read and perform Bach or Metallica. And hey, I might not be great. But the beauty of the thing is it's just a journey of exploration; I escape the burdens of meaningless ambitions. I call this sanity.

McGrew taught me about the freedom that comes from escaping unrealistic ambitions. Beethoven wrote his symphony. Taylor Camerer gave me the score. And Steve Shumaker taught me about sane thinking and living. Thanks yo.

unpublished vents

2006-11-15T20:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there are things that need to be said, but really shouldn't be published for the whole world to see. So none of you will ever read my "cops are pigs" blog, which I typed in this space, felt better, and deleted. The beauty of the unpublished emotional ventilation blog.

words

2006-09-13T09:22:00.000-04:00

It's time to shut up.

I've been reading some blogs (myspace, xanga, blogger) of old college friends and acquaintances. Many indicate growth, talk up their faith as if they've finally made it. And in a sense, they have. They are starting to have faith and joy, kinda like me. And I think it's totally real, and it's cool. But here is the thing: the world doesn't take our words seriously. (Incidentally I probably won't either.)

We are in an age of quick fixes. Quick-fix diets and microwaves and feel-good spiritual fads. I've seen people say almost the same thing my Christian brothers say on their blogs in non-Christian terms: "I've grown, experienced great change for the better, come closer to achieving that positive spiritual aura I've always wanted! After _____ happened my life was better!" Do you think that someone reading your blog or hearing your words is really going to believe you've discovered something exceptional? They hear this all the time!

And the thing is, we're telling the truth. We really have seen God's faithfulness. But in this age of blogs and email and talk-shows and more words flowing through this worldwide mass of cables than we can process, words aren't going to be taken that seriously. At least not my words. Not your words. Because we're young. We haven't had to prove our words with our lives.

Maybe you have changed, grown, are experiencing spiritual renewal. I've experienced some of that too. But the world doesn't care. Anyone can have a spiritual experience. Anyone can achieve a quick fix. Anyone can love unlovables - for a few days. Anyone can love their spouse while they're young and beautiful. Does anyone have anything to brag about?

Paul bragged about scars on his body, the result of years of serving and suffering for Christ. Paul had something to talk about. My grandparents spent their lives passionately serving the church. I listen to what they have to say. But I haven't suffered. There are only a few people my age (I think of two) who I am willing to say have had to suffer for their faith.

Christians who have learned what it means to serve and suffer through a lifetime of following Christ are exempt from my advice: temper your blogs and speech with a few years of servanthood. After you've been under the beating hot sun of life for a few years, when you have discovered that following God means seasons of tedium, dryness, loneliness, raising an ungrateful family, loving an annoying and flawed spouse, and that your suffering won't be glorious but obscure and unnoticed, when you come out on the other side of all that and say, "I've been through it and I've tasted living water!":

When you do that, and then say that, you can say anything you want to, and I'll listen. In a blog, on the phone, behind a pulpit, whatever, I'll pay attention.

But for now, it's better not to take ourselves too seriously. Let's be listeners. Let's "preach Christ always, and only use words when absolutely necessary" (Francis of Assissi). My friend Ric Eimers worked for a year in sales before mentioning Christ; after that first year, he couldn't get through a week, and then couldn't get through a day, without people wanting to talk to him because he was so different. He never had to bring it up. Do I like to talk so much because I don't think my life has much of a testimony, without a cloud of words to back it up?

Doggy Habits

2006-09-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

Dogs are like people. I don't mean your looks (mostly). I mean they have quirks. Strange little habits they develop. Take Shadow, the very big English Labrador of the Upham family. He doesn't chew stuff. But he picks up shoes, socks and hats. He picks them up and just holds them in his mouth for hours. He once swallowed a sock whole on accident. It's sort of quirky. I've never seen him pick up a t-shirt or pillow or anything else out of the room we share. But while saying hello this morning, the first thing he did is pick up my baseball cap off the sofa. By the way, that's yucky.

My dog Lucy in Michigan has her own quirk. I have green shag carpet. She thinks it looks grassy. Grassy as in, hey look an in-house lavatory. If I ever forget to block the entrance to my room, she wastes little time marking her territory. I do believe that Lucy is short for Lucifer. She's still a good dog I suppose.

I wonder if I'm quirky? Off the top of my head I can't think of anything.

Make your own title up, punk.

2006-09-03T22:11:00.000-04:00

I read Eugene Peterson's interpretation of Psalm 42 this evening after a really trying day. At one point I was a ticking time bomb towards my Dad; God's grace intervened and my Dad defused it. That has almost never happened that way before. There is a lot in this Psalm, and the one before (that is 41 by the way) is awesome too, but 42 was so beautiful and helpful that I'm going to present some of it here.

"A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek'
I want to drink God,
deep draughts of God.
I'm thirsty for God-alive.
I wonder, "Will I ever make it--
arrive and drink in God's presence?....

"These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
right out in front,
Leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship,
Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving--
celebrating all of us, God's feast!

"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God--
I'll soon be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

"When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you.
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night.
My life is God's prayer..."

You know what? After reading that, I don't feel blue, I feel STOKED! STOKED! But don't go thinking I'm getting all spiritual, I'm still cranky about this bloody headache. Geez.

Roll on

2006-09-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

birthday presents open-house visitors mewithoutyou guitar discouragement jubilee people hope movies ideas cameras music and words and music and words.

Home in Michigan. Tested Dad's Canon S2 - awesome. Play hours on guitar daily. Birthday balloons floating behind me. Sufjan Steven's "Avalanche" outtakes - great. Liz and Luke (sister and her husband) staying till Monday.

I have a friend named Mark Bolser. Or, had. I'd like to go looking for him. Today we watched "The Labyrinth," a David Bowie movie which Mark brought over and we watched at my house several years ago. He gave me the book "No Compromise", the biography of Keith Green. It had a huge effect on me. He then introduced me to Keith's music. On my myspace profile, I wrote this concerning who I'd like to meet:

"Mark Bolser. He was three years older than me, and was my number one friend and mentor in high school. One day, two weeks after he graduated, his grandma died. She was the only Christian in his family. He had grown up in foster homes, and she had been the only person who had loved him throughout his lifetime. He left all of a sudden, gave up on Christianity and disappeared somewhere in Detroit. Someday I'm going to find him."

Today a reliable source said he had overdosed and was dead, but the source can't completely confirm it.

One time at Cedar Point, after getting out of the car, my sister banged his head in the van door (double dutch-door style). He was out of it for a couple minutes, and was just following off and when Liz turned off to go into the ladies bathroom he wasn't paying attention and followed her in. It was the funniest moment of the trip.

I was with Mark when he became a follower of Christ. Whether he is dead or alive, I know that what happened to him was real. In earlier years, he went through things most of us can't imagine. I guess something broke him. No one is really to blame, but some environments just aren't able to help some people in the ways they need it. Mark may be a broken man, may even be a dead man, but I am going to see him again some day.

mewithoutYou

2006-08-30T22:33:00.000-04:00

I'm copying this from my mySpace blog.

mewithoutYou. It's a band. I've been hearing about them for awhile. Emily saw them at Cornerstone, Ricky Turner talked about them, lots of people talkin', and then I finally heard them and saw some live videos. Holy crap. Check these guys out, now, because they shot straight to the top of bands I'm interested in. They are a Christian band but they're not like anyone else. I'm so pumped right now. Plus I'm having an awesome time at the Camerer's house half-way between Utica and home in Michigan. Oh, Dragonforce is pretty amazing too. (Don't knock it till you try it.) (Great approach to life isn't it?)

Hey Elizabeth, check out my new girlfriend

2006-08-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

Hahaha. I'm referring to my new guitar. Beautiful isn't she? Goodbye life, hello guitar. It is a Stratocaster with 3 single-coil pickups. And I like it. The amp is nice too - it is a vacuum tube powered amp. You probably want to know how much it costs...

yeah... I'll bet you do....

XYZ

Big News

2006-08-29T00:38:00.000-04:00

Hey there friends and family. I have big news. (Thus the clever title.) I am going to go home to Michigan as planned, and then return to New York. Crazy isn't it? Why the change? Maybe it's the landscape. Maybe it's the incredible friends. Maybe it's Joel pointing a shotgun at my head and telling me he would shoot me if I didn't promise to stay. (Just kidding.) Honestly, between Iowa and New York, it was a tough choice. I agonized over the decision for awhile, first leaning one way and then the other. They are both wonderful. New York is not permanent; I still really want to hang out with my sister in Iowa when the time is right.

I'm not staying because life in New York is all daisies and daffodils. Honestly, it's tough. For a long time, everything has been simple enough. Fulfill the responsibilities, complete educational requirements, work. Things aren't so black and white anymore. Especially when my role in this world hasn't been clearly established yet; apparently I have some kind of ministry, but I don't know if it has a name. (Maybe, Christ-Follower?)

You'll notice that I wrote News, PLURAL. Otherwise, the title would have been, "Big New." But I'm not going to tell you the other announcement. I don't have the photo that will explain it. This is the one you thought you'd be reading tonight Emily. Don't worry I'll get it tomorrow.

Since I have zero coherency tonight, I might as well say that my time with the youth group tonight was great. Me and five kids praying for awhile. Talking, joking, not much else. Speaking of prayer, I have no idea where I will be staying or what I will be eating or what I will buy food with when I return to New York. Minor details, but if you're the praying sort, it's something to keep in mind. Shalom

I'm embarassed.

2006-08-29T00:24:00.000-04:00

That little blurb about Cheetah Girls and all that... Let's just keep it a secret shall we? I mean, so what if I like to sing, "Amigas, Cheetahs, Friends for Life!"... Er...

Cheetah Girls 2

2006-08-27T23:04:00.000-04:00

I usually am rather critical of my dad's enjoyment of really cheesy movies. I admit, I am a movie snob. But today I'm going to have to shut up. Today only I have watched Hannah Montana, Cheetah Girls 2, and am currently indulging in one of the funniest Family Guy episodes I have ever seen. I know what you are all thinking, "My how decadent." Gee willickers. Ahhh.... Ewww... Stewie is beating up the dog. But I mean the dog had it coming. He wouldn't give Stewie his money. Hmmm.....

A Long Obedience In The Same Direction

2006-08-26T10:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday and today, I sorta have had this recurring thought concerning life: "Geez this is hard." And hey maybe I'm being dramatic, but whenever I deal with tough questions, it sort of feels like I'm being worked in a crucible. My questions always relate to the gospel.

But we keep moving. Following Christ isn't about emotional whims. I don't mean that sometimes I feel as if it God isn't real. I just mean that sometimes I feel tired, or bummed, or lonely, or upset by all the troubles around me. Last night I was talking to my Mom, and she asked me if I was upset, and I got defensive saying, "Of course I'm upset! The whole world is upset, and I'm not in a bubble, so the fact that I'm surrounded by hurting troubled people [and am in fact one of them] definitely upsets me!"

I guess what I was saying is that, faith isn't like a bubble that shields you from pain. It is more like taking someone's hand and letting him lead you places you would never have gone on your own, away from stability and comfort and down into the rocky, treacherous valley. I am touched by the hurt around me. I don't buy this "higher ground" stuff. "I want to live above the world, Though Satan’s darts at me are hurled." ??? That is a line from the hymn by Johnson Oatman. You may have heard it in church. But Jesus didn't tell us to come up to him; he came down to us. And it seems to me we're all about following in his footsteps. While we live, we live in the world; we can live "above the world" when we're good and dead, how is that for a compromise Mr. Oatman?

Right now, believing and following Christ means learning what it means to be in it for the long-haul. I have begun reading Eugene Peterson's "A Long Obedience In The Same Direction: Discipleship In An Instant Society" with Joel Upham, and thought I might quote from the first chapter. I'll probably be putting a lot of quotes from this book up here as it is really excellent.

"[One aspect of the world's effects that is] harmful to Christians is the assumption that anything worthwhile can be acquired at once. We assume that if something can be done at all, it can be done quickly and efficiently. Our attention spans have been conditioned by thirty-second commercials. Our sense of reality has been flattened by thirty-page abridgements.
"It is not difficult in such a world to get a person interested in the message of the gospel; it is terrifically difficult to sustain the interest... There is a great market for religious experience in our world; there is little enthusiasm for the patient acquisition of virtue, little inclination to sign up for a long apprenticeship in what earlier generations of Christians called holiness."

It's hard, I know that, but I guess going the distance means patience and probably toil. Monotony even. But even though the nature of this world means I will experience all that, I kind of have this feeling that there are going to be some adventures, some moments of wonder and joy right in this middle of this crazy life. (Now I should say something cool.) Bring it on.

A Wii Bit of Anticipation

2006-08-26T09:38:00.000-04:00

I'm looking forward to a couple games for the Nintendo Wii. I think they are both launch titles. The first is the new Zelda. A couple entries ago I mentioned that I used to dream about Zelda: The Ocarina of Time before falling asleep. I was obsessed. Well, that was three Zelda games ago (not including a bunch for the gameboy). They're making a sequel to Ocarina of Time (at least stylistically), and it's starting to look like it has potential. I can't wait to bite my teeth into it. (Hopefully I won't have to buy a wii - I'll just have to find friends who will buy it.)

As for the new Rayman game, "Rayman: Raving Rabbits", what can I say? It has rabid, raving rabbits with space saucers and dance offs and shooting each other with plunger-guns. Who could possibly resist?

For those of you buried under a rock (or simply too caught up in the world of adult responsibilities), the Nintendo Wii uses a different way to control games. Instead of a normal controller, imagine that your TV Remote was a 3D wand that could detect all your movements, and that you had to use it to control games. Sounds fun. Maybe it will be (if it isn't too hard or for that matter too easy.)

xyz.

Something great about me:

2006-08-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

I can hold my breath for three minutes and thirty seconds. Cool, huh.

Drift-Off

2006-08-20T14:25:00.000-04:00

Drift-off dreams can be really annoying. I can't call them strange, because most dreams are strange. But drift-off dreams are strangest because they are closest to reality.

Yesterday I went canoing for several hours. After that, I watched (and occassionally played) Resident Evil 4 for several hours. I was too tired to do anything productive. I went to bed early (10), and started falling asleep. Then the drift-dreams began. It happens like this: you lie there with your eyes mostly closed. Sometimes they are open and look around a little, but half the time you don't even know they are open. Your thoughts become incoherent and end up in odd combinations. Suddenly my thoughts about tomorrows lessons disappear, and I'm canoing down a river. Suddenly a car revs its engine outside the window, and my mind returns to reality. I just thought I was canoing. How weird is that? One second I'm lying in bed, the next my mind tells me I'm in a canoe.

It gets better. You know what's coming. Zombie hunting on a canoe. That's right, canoeing down the Moose River, paddle in one hand, shotgun in the other, blowing the heads off of less-than-courteous zombie fiends. (They had it coming.) And occassionally an idea from a book will insert itself onto the drift-dream. Die, die, evil zombie hey I should talk about heaven in Sunday School tomorrow!

Other interesting drift-dreams: skateboarding, feeding frozen burger patties into the burger king broiler, grinding brick walls, playing soccer, playing Zelda: Ocarina of Time. If something really intense (or monotonous) happened during the day, chances are that I will see it again as I drift to sleep.

Lessons from Dave

2006-08-20T13:41:00.000-04:00

I'm still reading through Eugene Peterson's "Working The Angles," a book about prayer, study, and spiritual direction. I'm on the third angle of spiritual direction, and was thinking back to Dave Frick's influence on my life. What does it take to have a significant spiritual role in someone's life?

Looking at Dave, I think I have an answer. Dave was not a highly educated guy. But that did not prevent him from ministering to me (among many). Neither did he have great resources. He was just a trucker. But here is the thing about Dave: he was spiritually minded.

Okay that sounds really obvious. "Wow, what a brilliant bloke this guy is." But there is something about Dave's approach to life that seemed to make up for a lot of flaws (although I personally couldn't think of any). Something about his mindset allowed him to really dwell on his hope, and God's rewards, and the reality of spiritual warfare. Christ's sacrifice was not just a password to get into the church club; it was the central truth of his life. That's why it transformed him from an insignificant trucker to someone whom God used to spiritually direct other Christians.

It may be that everyone has a different set of obstacles to developing a spiritual mindset. I would like to think that people like me have some more difficulty than most in developing this mindset - I can't say that for sure. But it is easy enough to say I need to be spiritually minded, or Spirit-minded, and not actually take the steps of talking to God, asking for his help, dwelling on universe-shaking truths, rejoicing, hunting for the meat of scripture. It is much easier to just think about things. Stepping into the spiritual walk is hard, physically demanding even.

I think Dave did every one of those things. Aside from those things, what is my Bible college education worth next to his lifetime of Spirit-filled walking? I believe I'm right to admire Dave's example. Maybe the fact is, Dave just believed all that stuff was true, and decided it was worth working at it. It really isn't complicated, it's just work.

Blast. I hate work. See, I'm already at a major disadvantage!

Dave once told me that when the Millenial Kingdom rolled on in, he wanted to have a chance to be a preacher and teach the Bible at a large church (or whatever the heck it will be called). I've got this feeling that when the time comes to assign tasks during the Millenium, a lot of men who were more qualified in this life will be passed over and guys like Dave will get first picks. Of course by now, Dave is far more qualified than any man on earth. For more on that, check Matthew 25:14-20.

Flying Dreams

2006-08-15T09:56:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have flying dreams?

I love flying dreams. It doesn't happen very often. Those were always my favorite dreams. Sometimes you were just flying for no reason. I mean, it's my dream, I'll do whatever the heck I like! When I was little, I can recall having a nightmare where I seemed to be stuck. It would happen all the time. The nightmare creature is coming, but you can't move, because your legs are heavy like lead. But every once in awhile, I would start running, and suddenly take off, just like a bird. The nightmare would turn into a dream.

Those are dreams. Even airplanes hold some of that magic. Steering those heavy machines may not be the same as being a bird, but it ain't too bad. Heck, give me a Corsair and a tank of fuel, and I'll be happy. But we all know we haven't really conquered flight yet. The birds still whoop our butts. For the past century, that's been okay. Man can't fly like birds; hang gliders are as close as we'll ever come.

Two years ago I was lying in bed listening to the final song on Eric Whitacre's choral album. I had not read the song title, and was not paying close attention to the lyrics. All I knew was that the music seemed to lift my imagination and bring back those childish dreams of flying. I began wondering what it would take to really fly like a bird. Sure, at one time it seemed impossible to mimic the complexities of nature and flight, but then at one time they said man would never fly at all. And what would it take to make artificial wings? We all know man isn't strong enough to "flap" or control anything that flew anything like a bird. But then technology is discovering extremely complex programming methods through LISP, artificial muscles, new materials incomparably light and strong - who is to say man can't make a pair of wings that can hold his body and fly just like a bird? It isn't like the bird-man could just hold a joystick. That isn't how a bird flies. The wings would have to read the man's body, to know exactly whether he was just craning his neck, or leaning forward to dive, or catching a thermal to soar up. It would require two miracles: the physical, artificial structure of wings that could hold a man and maintain stable flight, and an impossibly complex computer brain to control all the millions of computations and adjustments required to mimic bird-flight. Sure, it would be hard, taking years of research and millions of dollars (billions?), but who is to say it is impossible?

So, while lying in bed listening to "Leonardo dreams of his flying machine" [I had not read the song title], I dreamed of my own flying machine. Which means two things: Eric Whitacre is brilliant, and Icarus never learned his lesson. I considered leaving Bible college and studying physics, aerodynamics, ornithology, and artificial intelligence, but nothing really came of it. It was just a flying dream.

Part 2: Smoke

2006-08-02T20:48:00.000-04:00

Smoke.

Smoke, nothing but smoke. [That's what the Quester says.]
There's nothing to anything-it's all smoke.
What's there to show for a lifetime of work,
a lifetime of working your fingers to the bone? (A)

Everything's boring, utterly boring-
no one can find any meaning in it.
Boring to the eye,
boring to the ear.
What was will be again,
what happened will happen again.
There's nothing new on this earth.
Year after year it's the same old thing. (B)

Then I observed all the work and ambition motivated by envy. What a waste! Smoke. And spitting into the wind. (C)

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed,
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash-along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant-dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ. (D)

What does all this stuff tell me? It tells me I have nothing to boast about. Not a thing. How could I boast in something I possess? What manner of possession which will soon be possessed by someone else? I cannot even possess my body! In a little while, I'll lose that too. Nothing to boast in, except this:

For my part, I am going to boast about nothing but the Cross of our Master, Jesus Christ. Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate. (E). I have no interest in giving you a chatty account of my adventures, only the wondrously powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ in me that triggered a believing response among the outsiders. (F).

And everything else is a waste of breath: smoke.

a. Ecclesiastes 1:2-3
b. Ecclesiastes 1:8-9
c. Ecclesiastes 4:4
d. Philippians 3:7-8
e. Galatians 6:14
f. R0mans 15:18
All scripture passages taken from The Message.

Ozymandias - by Percy Bysshe Shelley

Part 1: Me

2006-08-02T20:27:00.000-04:00

This is strictly a news update. There will be no spiritual insights, clever profundities, or words of wisdom. At the end, you will know where I am, what I am doing, and not much else. Chances are, if you read this, you already know all that, but what the hey.

I am in Upper New York serving as a youth-pastoral intern at Immanuel Baptist Church. I am here until the end of August. I am not sure exactly what my last day is, but I will most certainly be back in Michigan by September 2nd. Because that is my sister's open house. And of course since my birthday is September 1st I expect everyone to bring presents for me as well. (And if I get a buck, I can be a Buckaneer!)

I spend a lot of time studying, a lot of time with kids from the youth group, and a lot of time with the church in general. I still sleep too much, eat too little (by midwest standards), and spend way too little time on my guitar. I am on the final tape of the Iliad, CD 1 of Alexander Hamilton's life, and tape 4 of John Adam's life. While driving and napping I have also listened to several Shakespearean plays. He's cool. (He lacks my talent for description, however.)

Next fall, I will be going either to Iowa or Michigan. You probably want to know exactly what I will be doing. Never fear, I'm just as eager to find out. It seems impossible to do everything I need to do, so brothers and sisters keep me in prayer.

slow down mister

2006-06-22T22:27:00.000-04:00

It's 10:30. I'm supposed to be in bed in 30 minutes haha. Tomorrow I'm going to Chautauqua (the ch sounds like a "sh") for 3 days to.. well I don't know what I'll be doing, Eric keeps me clueless to keep it interesting. Then a day and a half at home, and then WHOOSH up to New York for 2 months. Life goes too fast for this kid sometimes. But when it comes down to it, that's okay I guess, because you just gotta take things as they come. My brain has been processing some intense experiences, and they just keep coming. Sometimes I sort of disengage; my brain just soaks in details and stores it for long-term processing.

What does all this mean? I think it means my life is still in the seed stage. Given a little time and soil, all this stuff will grow into something meaningful, and my blog won't be quite as narcissistic. So if my life doesn't look as together as some of yours, well just go to the mustard seed you short-sighted pea-brained guano-munching self-satisfied pack of lemmings. (No hard feelings.)

Some News. Or Olds to be precise.

2006-06-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

Well hey there fellers. And gellers. Life moves rapidly forward as usual. Summer goes so fast, I swear I saw a snowflake yesterday. Next Wednesday I'll be driving up to New Hartford, New York to meet Vin Upham, the senior pastor at Immanuel Baptist Church, and Clarks Summit will be history for a couple months. I'll be interning doing youth pastoral type stuff (actually just Christian stuff more or less, kinda what we're supposed to be doing, I'll just be doing it full time). Meanwhile, I am happy to just read and do all these chores I'm doing. And stay on top of my online class. (Fell behind for awhile.) Golly...

I'm getting smarter. Maybe.

2006-06-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I wrote some big papers. I'm a slower writer than many, so I was pretty impressed that I managed to turn out 16 pages. That's lots for me. (It's for the John class I'm taking.) My brain feels like it has been shoved through a PVC tube. I actually recover from these events faster than usual. I guess practice makes perfect, and now I can get back into Augustine's "Confessions." Well, soon that is.

But when I'm tired out, gosh I just want to go and splurge on a freebord (think snowboarding on concrete) or hitchhike to Hawaii (not an easy thing to do... the whole Pacific thing...), play ukuleles and surf or something. Theoretically this intense studying is supposed to make me smarter, so someone is going to have to explain why I'm so-not-eager to do anything particularly worthwhile right now. (Besides listen to A Day In The Life for the fifth or sixth time today.)

Born Again

2006-06-13T21:32:00.000-04:00

When Nicodemus first heard the words, "born again," they were new and profound. But when we hear those words today, we don't hear what he heard. In fact, we can't hear what he heard. The words "born again" mean more than just something symbolic. When I hear those words, the tune for "old time religion" starts running through my head. I can't help but think about small-town, ignorant old religious folk hopping on the right-wing bandwagon; "that there guvners born-again, yessir." I sometimes use the words, but I'm occasionally a little uncomfortable. (The words are overly associated with Christianists, and under-associated with Christ.) (Oh kind of like the church.)

So when I read the passage, I realize I've got my work cut out to get past all the stuff that skews my Scripto-Vision (?). I'm taking an online Moody class on John's gospel. It's challenging enough by itself, but these in-built misperceptions don't make it any easier to really get what Jesus is trying to say sometimes. It may have been obvious to the original readers, but generation after generation of fuzzy thinkers has done a lot to confuse things. The meanings are there, but sometimes it's just going to take some work and patience. Here's to life-long learning.

Waiting

2006-06-12T17:54:00.000-04:00

Today I am wondering if I'll ever really get past where I am. I mean, I know I can serve and help people a little bit. But sometimes life just seems like a really long period of waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for my internship in July. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting to get out of debt. Not that life isn't moving. Heck I'm busy, I'm always busy. There's always way too much to do. You finish one thing but there's always a million more things. And I always feel guilty because I haven't really succeeded at anything. I do art, photography, music, writing, all in a "sure you could do something with this" sort of way, but really end up being pretty bad. And life continues to pile in on itself.

And I'm trying to be happy with where I am, with where I am in my spiritual walk and in church and all these things, but I can't help but always feel like I'm waiting for something to change. Sometimes I think I'm just waiting for heaven (which a lot of people would accuse as the ultimate cop out.) And hey, maybe so. Maybe life will never get any clearer or simpler. Well in the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young,

"Rejoice, Rejoice,
We have no choice
but to carry on."

(Woodstock recording, "Deja Vu.")(Favorite rock song ever?)

How to rate your day (optimists and pessimists both welcome)

2006-06-11T20:09:00.000-04:00

It's so hard to rate how well my day went. Let's say you work with a scale going from 1 to 10, 1 being really bad, 10 being really good. The problem is, you can never really know just how bad a day can go. You may think you'll never hit a 1, or you may think you've hit it, but you might be proven wrong. And maybe one day you have a great day, and it scores a perfect 10. Well, what if it gets better? (Fortunately I'm a pessimist and don't worry too much about the high end of the scale.)

No, I think a better way to do this is to copy Mercalli's Damage scale for earthquakes. In the mercalli scale, you rate earthquakes not according to energy released, but according to damage and impact. So if your china falls off the wall, that's maybe a two, if you're uncle's house falls into a big crack, that's at least a 3 or 4 (okay actually like an 8), and then if absolutely everything falls apart, burns up, and then is covered in lava from multiple eruptions that's a ten. (And you never know, it could happen.)

But here is where we will have to make our big decisions: will we rate our day scale for how good it was or how bad it was? Some of you people are walking on sunshine and wearing rose-tinted glasses and all that, and I know you'll want to rate your day on just how good it was and how wonderfully you impacted the world or were impacted by it. So a 0 means you're in a coma and did nothing positive or negative, 1 means you brushed your teeth, 2 means you sent out a nice email, 3 means you had something great happen in your life (say a free new carpet), and let's skip to 7 in which the world is flooded with light and optimism from your incredible sunshiney life. Good for you, have a cookie.

But for the hardened cynic, you can rate your day on how much damage was inflicted or received. And it all depends on how you want to think about things. If you want to get depressed and forlorn just focus on damage you inflicted on the world. 10 is reserved for the antichrist (just any day of his I guess), 7 is murdering someone (and maybe murdering a LOT of people in one day puts that at like an 8), 4 is cutting someone off in traffic, and 1 is if you sent one of those stupid forwards into my email inbox. Oh, and if you cut someone off 10 times in one day, that's probably a 7 - you're a very bad person.

If you prefer feeling anger and spite, rate your day on how much damage you received. Ie, just how much did your day really suck? And probably we can turn this into some sort of competition to see who really had the worst day. (I'd love to see some emotional ventilational in the comments!) And you can really pick any scale just depending on how your feeling about your day. If your day was great, how great? If it sucked, how much?

This was anything but the serious entry I thought I was going to write (I never know what's going to come out), but hey we can't all be serious all the time.

PS - If you tell me about your day, I'll pick a scale and rate it! (So include good and bad.)

Post-College Vertigo + Photo Blog

2006-06-10T15:24:00.000-04:00

My ideas for writing and the photos I post rarely have anything to do with each other, so I have started a separate photo blogs for the sole purpose of posting a new picture every day. To visit click HERE. FYI the address is joshuapowers.shutterchance.com.

I am out of the BBC environment, and suddenly a lot of things are becoming clear. The unique circumstances surrounding this particular college's environment tend to have a crucible effect on students. On graduation day, there are three types of seniors. First, the sort who have been faithfully eating whatever was spoon-fed into their vacuous minds their whole lives. These will be both the faithful followers and many of the spiritually significant leaders on the campus. They aren't all bad (some of them are but let's not stereotype too much), but they are characterized by blind acceptance of status quo. Some of them are honest people who just never had to struggle with hard questions. And they scare me just a little.

The other two types of seniors come out of the same background. They are probably from fundamental churches, but they've seen enough crap in church, enough insincerity, manipulation, politics, bigotry, and unkindness that they're asking some serious questions at different points in their college years. And trust me, if there are buttons to be pushed, BBC will push them. And come graduation day, a few students will be pushed right over the edge. I don't mean, "Let's not be fundamentalists" so much as "let's not have anything to do with Christianity, it's a hoax." (This usually isn't the result of great thinking as much as personal reaction to someone else's poor thinking. Ie, "I'm right because all of you are wrong.")

Fortunately, this isn't always the case. Just as often, students experience just enough love from faculty to overlook the mild insanity inherent in such an institution. Nothing muddies clear thinking so much as a grudge. If you want to think clear and face the real issues, you have to forgive the shortcomings of the institutions. (And I've had a lot of fuzzy thinking because of anger.) In my time here, I've had to do some personal crash courses on the canon, the trinity, epistemology, worldviews, and a good deal of soul-searching just to make it through. And I'm not going to lie, it's been tough. But I got through and what do you know, like some others, I'm still a Christian. And while I probably don't see myself as a strict fundamentalist, I'm not scared away from conservatives - they need forgiveness and grace as much as anybody. And they have their strengths.

Well I have only one goal today, which is to not take a nap. Not eazzzzzzzz(!)y. Chow out dogs ~

Wheeeeee I'm back! ("And there was much rejoicing.")

2006-06-09T15:11:00.000-04:00

And you MIGHT have been reading this a day earlier (for all those folks who check this site every day), but hey guess what I got: "Down for Maintenance: Blogger is temporarily unavailable due to an unexpected technical problem. Our engineers are working hard to fix Blogger. We will be back up as soon as possible." Stymied again! For once I was FORCED to procrastinate... (Not that it's ever really my fault.)

It's summer, and things are still crazy, but not quite as crazy. I'm taking an online class with Moody (on John's gospel), doing piano stuff with Eric the Piano Guy, wrapping up loose ends at BBC (yes, still), and all the other things I normally do. I may do an internship later this summer, and that's the main thing I'm thinking about these days. More on that later.

On My Absence

2006-04-26T00:24:00.000-04:00

Hello faithful readers. (Hah!)

I am without free time, so I cannot write on this blog for a little while. But do not fret, I will be back in no time, and when I return I will blog a blog the likes of which the world has never seen! No seriously, it's going to be better. I will not be blogging for at least three weeks, so do not sit on your arses like a bunch of 1843 adventists, because nothing is coming down the pike for awhile yet. Hi Beth, good luck finishing the year Will (I will never catch up on all your blog entries), beware Keyser Soze.

The straight dope on being deaf.

2006-03-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

The other day, after a long hike with Nate Weaver resulting in a lot of extra photos, I was about to go into my dorm when I stopped to take one more picture. We have a student on campus who used to be completely deaf. He got some sort of implant which allows him to hear a little bit, and he can talk, but I always feel awkward because I have a hard time understanding (partly because I'm hard of hearing in one ear). But when he saw me taking a picture of this, he thought it was cool and said it looked like a feather. Right before I went to post this photo, my newsreader gave me this article on what language a deaf person thinks in; so I guess it's God's way of saying that everyone needs to read it and expand their understanding of deaf persons.

It's possible this will be my last post before spending a week hiking on the Appalachian Trail in Virginia. (It's supposed to rain all week. Yeehaw.)

The semi-hemi-sphere (just because I can)

2006-03-13T21:32:00.000-05:00

Library. West side. Cool. I like it.

(For the curious, photomatix allows me to combine differently exposed shots.) (And I don't want to buy it. Thus, "photomatix.")

How I waste a lot of time

2006-03-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

Sure enough. It's me. Doing my thing.

Kudos to Emily for the photo (taken with my old Olympus)

Mike's Virus (kinda funny)

2006-03-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

Well, went to Aroma Cafe last night with Emily, Mike, Dave (new friend), Gina, and Angela. Had a great and entertaining night. We all crammed into Emerly's KIA "Sportage" (wow), watched others play for a couple hours, Dave and I both played and sang, and then we went to Denny's. Here is a fun video documenting some random nonsense.

Videoplayer instructions: if you're on BBC this will play and stop maybe (because of our poor network speed), so press the big play button, then press pause at the bottom left. When it has loaded, press the bottom left play button.

That's Mike talking at the beginning, and then I'm the one complaining about the foggy window. It's very dark, sorry. (Umm it's abstract art.) No more explanation needed I really.

Just another brick in the wall

2006-03-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

Here is an extremely important article by John Taylor Gatto, New York Teacher Of The Year 1991. It is a reproduction of the acceptance speech of the award, in which he explains why schools do not and cannot educate (!!). After all, we're just another brick in the wall. I don't have to feel guilty for the sense of violation I've felt so many times over the past 16 years of my schooling. Read the article - if you disagree with it or feel it is too general, what are your points of disagreement? Respond to the problems listed - are they true? What are your solutions?

And if you're wondering whether to read it, just remember: few things are more important topic to tackle than the education of children. (Wow here I am getting all serious, imagine that.)

More on the implications to my own life (and the implications bring some almost immediate applications) will come later. Chow. Long Live Families.